The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
MY best friend is being emotionally and physically abused by his wife. He has been hurt by her a lot to the extent of getting treatment at hospital. He confides in me about his problem but says he loves her so much that he does not want a divorce. — Worried.
Reply
It may be hard to sit back and watch your friend go through this, but one of the most productive things you can do is to support him in getting help WHEN HE WANTS IT. Though men are more commonly the perpetrators of domestic violence, when they are the victims, they tend to be more silent and less likely to seek help.
They choke it up because they are often raised with the mentality that men are supposed to be physically and emotionally strong and self-sufficient, admitting to or seeking help for domestic violence may be difficult or embarrassing for them. Add to this, there are less male-focused resources available.
This may convey an unintended message to male victims — that their situation does not warrant concern.
This is not true. Letting your friend know that asking for help actually makes him a stronger person may help him get beyond that fear or feeling of isolation.
It is unlikely that you will be able to single-handedly fix his marriage issues, but instead you may want to help him recognise that this abusive dynamic is not normal. Don’t force the issue but when it comes up, try to remain non-judgemental since criticising his partner or telling him to leave her will probably only make him feel worse. Let him know that he is not alone and that help is available.
However, don’t forget that listening may be the greatest tool you have at your disposal. If your friend feels as though you have got his back, he may be able to parlay this support into the first step to leaving this marriage. When he is ready, you may be able to help him put together a plan to do this.
One barrier that male victims of intimate partner violence face is that the physical signs of abuse are often overlooked or minimised by health care providers or are attributed to other causes. This means that your friend may be lacking support from other sources, so your role becomes even more valuable. Preparing yourself to support your friend during this difficult time is the greatest action you can take to help him move forward and out of this abusive situation. You are being a great friend by asking this question and he is lucky to have someone that cares so much about him and his well-being.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a 17-year-old high school girl and I am in a fix, I told my boyfriend that I am a virgin but I am not. I was raped four years ago. He told me that he is not a virgin. I am scared that if I tell him he will get mad. Should I tell him? — Worried.
Reply
Sis Noe supports you in your desire to tell your boyfriend about your rape, and about what it means to you, just as you did here. Sis Noe understands your concern about not wanting to make your boyfriend mad; however, you cannot control anyone else’s behaviour.
If he is angry, or hurt, he has a right to his feelings. Similarly, you have a right to yours. If you are upset, or have unresolved emotions, about what happened to you (and it doesn’t matter if it happened a while ago), many resources are available to get the help you need.
Is there a counsellor at school or church with whom you feel you could speak? Did the man who raped you get arrested? If he didn’t it is necessary for you to report him to the police. Telling someone about yourself is scary, and risky; however, Sis Noe believes that someone you know has a right to know the real you, just as you deserve to be loved for who you are.
Hi Sis Noe
Mina ngilomfana but have never told him I am HIV-positive, what should I do? — Please help.
Reply
The question is not when should you tell your boyfriend that you are HIV-positive, it’s when should you have told him. If your boyfriend has a problem being with someone who is HIV-positive, wouldn’t you want to know this before you get too involved? After dating for several months I wouldn’t be surprised if he is more upset over the delay in disclosure than the HIV status itself.
That being said, I wonder about the level of communication in this relationship. How do people date for several months without ever talking about HIV? You guys are NOT serious. You may wish to tell your boyfriend how you’re feeling about the disclosure prior to breaking the news.
“I am feeling some anxiety about having a conversation we need to have. I am feeling anguish and guilt about the fact that I have not talked to you about my HIV status. I guess I have been afraid that if I told you
I am positive you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.” Allow the dialogue to open, focusing on feelings. Professional guidance may be necessary as I sense you guys are not very experienced or comfortable at talking about emotionally charged matters.
If your boyfriend cannot deal with your status then be glad you approached the subject before committing to living together. Know for the future that early, open and honest communication about HIV is absolutely necessary for any relationship that has the potential to lead to sex.
No matter what happens, I certainly hope you have been having protected sex, that is if you were having sex. Unprotected intercourse is risky. If you continue to be sexual, be certain to be safe. Preventable passing of infection is NOT a loving gesture.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a man aged 35 and my girlfriend is 20. The problem is that my lady likes putting on skinny jeans and short skirts which make other men comment when I’m with her. My Christian values are against that kind of dressing. What should I do? I do love her and wish to marry her. — Worried.
Reply
Sitting there watching in disgust as she half-dresses herself so that she can go out and show the world her flesh will not help you. Instead of telling her how to dress buy the type of clothes you want her to wear. Be an inspirational force, rather than a preacher.
If she declines, that is fine. If she is not getting the picture, at least you know what you are dealing with. If her excuses are primarily about being in touch with her youthful side, you need to be understanding. Dressing her age is her comfort zone. If she goes along with what you want then that is great. But if you fail to change her habits during this whole process you have lost nothing, gained insight about the type of woman you have.
Wearing tight jeans and short skirts is who she is. This is important for you to know. Let’s be honest, your own desire for a woman who is not afraid to wear skimpy clothes subconsciously chose her, and your disdain in watching her being admired by many men is what is making you angry and somehow jealous.
Re-evaluate yourself, the direction of your life and the relationship and see if you have progressed beyond what initially formed your attraction to her. If you cannot accept her for what she is then you need to look for someone who will go along with what you want.
