The Sunday News
DEATH is one of the most difficult stages of life, although people encounter it everyday it always feels new and hard to deal with. Many people talk about the stages of grief, what it should look like, how it can be timed. The truth for those of us out there who have experienced a journey of loss is that there are no stages, no set time lines. Grief can swing around, come full circle, dragging you forwards and backwards on its own terms and days are different.
While everyone around you might be thinking it is time to move on or that you have finally begun to cope or “normalise”, you may be faced with turmoil and only beginning to understand the magnitude of what you have really lost. As difficult as it may be, you must remind yourself that it is not about you. It is about their loss. This is their experience and it will be unique to them and there is no set pattern to follow when grieving.
Simply offering your own time and support can be the most amazing gift, and can help them on their road towards healing.
Just remember to honour and respect the unique path that they chose instead of expecting them to get over it and move on and some things are easier said than done especially when we are just onlookers.
This week our column is on a woman who is still grieving her husband and finding it hard to move on.
I just typed for the first time in a long time the word ‘‘died’’, which must mean that I’m recognising that my husband is no longer with me nor will he return to me but this does not make it any easier to deal with what I am going through. I am not able to cope with these thoughts, I do not know how people cope when the heart hurts so badly because I still cannot cope.
The only thing I can do for sure is cry for him, yell at him, suffer in my soul for him until I cannot stand it anymore.
I still have conversations with him in my head and when I cook, dress up, clean up or do laundry I still do it as though I was doing it for him and sometimes I go to bed expecting him to come home.
My people, friends, family are supportive but they do not want to hear my sob story or see me depressed and often tell me to get over him and move on with my life which I struggle to do and I think I am not ready. I guess for them it is time to turn the page even though it has been two years and some months since his passing. No one is there to listen to me and that is what he did best, although he did most of the talking in some cases as he was good at giving advice and talking people out of situations he was always there for whatever I had to share with him.
Now I talk to his picture and breakdown and feel what is the point of my life, I never saw myself being a widow at such an early age all by myself with no kids and I can only wish that he remembers to come back and take me with him. I still dress up and show up where I am expected but I sometimes cannot help feeling hopeless and alone.
Since my husband died, I feel very incomplete. I was with him for five years and we did everything together so living life without him has been really hard and I feel like I lost my identity. I have tried to feel good, but it just does not feel right I do not think I can ever be ready for starting over again and that is why I prefer to keep to myself and continue with life the way I want.
I never thought this would happen to me and I never prepared myself for it and I feel so alone. My husband did everything for me and now I have the responsibility of running it all. It seems impossible. I miss him a lot.
I will never be the same because a greater part of me was buried with him, I died with him. One of the hardest things about losing a partner is feeling that nobody understands and that is just how I feel no one understands me or my pain.
When friends and colleagues talk about their husbands I almost join in to talk about me and I quickly remind myself that he is no longer with us. My “memory playlist” is short and it’s a pity I cannot add more memories, It hurts, it I lonely waking up without him, and there are some days I could do almost anything just to be with him just one more time.
People used to tell me with time I will adjust but I am failing to, my mother recently reminded me that people are given such a small time, and you never know when your time will run out and that I must make sure I live my life. I told her that it just does not feel like it is my life anymore and it does not feel worth living and she said that I had to let go of my husband so that he rests in peace, whatever she meant I just wish she would understand how I feel. It is not that I do not treasure life, I really do but I just do not see its worth sometimes. I wish I could bring my best friend back and just spend a day with him.
Everything around me reminds me of him and every day of the week reminds me of him and this makes it hard for me to move on. When I dream of him I wish I never have to wake up, I want to continue to dream of him and be with him. Life has never been the same since he left me and my heart breaks each time I think of what could have happened in these two years.
All I have left of him are pictures and memories tucked away in my heart. I have an empty space in me that is very cold and painful that no one else can fill. I am constantly in pain and I never can put a finger to the pain but all I know is that it is unbearable.
I miss my husband, my everything, my world and the angel he was. I wish people could allow me to go through this and be there for me the way I want them to be and stop bashing me about my failure to move on. I have come to understand that it is only when you are in the situation that you can understand the situation. Waking up with a broken heart every day is not an easy thing to deal with going through life with broken dreams makes it even harder to live life.
Getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Remember that, and know that it will get easier.
Keep going. You will get there someday and in the mean time continue to share your heartbreaking stories with us e-mail [email protected]
