Marriage is overrated

Nhlalwenhle Ncube

AS soon as I reached adolescent stage, society started to look at me differently or rather I started viewing society from a different point. Family gatherings with my aunties became centred in one topic, marriage. Ever since, it has become one of the worst topics to me. To my surprise, I thought I was the only one dreading talking about the overrated marriage until a few of my female colleagues weighed in on how it was also affecting them in comparison to single men out there who seem to be at ease and far attached to the ever looming topic of marriage.

I have realised that people are usually more concerned of when so and so will get married more than her general welfare. The popular statement is that they fear one will be out of market soon. Really? This is one issue which takes away single women’s happiness as they are bombarded with the same question a million times.

The question that many single women out there have to answer almost on a daily basis is when they are getting married. The urgency of the question in most cases suggests that time is not on women’s side, like there is a form of expiry date threatening any chance of getting married.

In society there is an overwhelming expectation for women to get married, pressure which has given birth to half-planned or baked certified partnerships which crumble at the sight of any problem. The unison which is sealed by vows and a certificate, amid ululating relatives and friends at far more times has proven to be the beginning, I dare say a big lie or mirage. One would be hoodwinked into believing that marriage is the beginning of promised heaven, the everlasting solution to heartbreaks. My dear, as far as it goes or has been proven, marriage is one lush garden which is watered by stress.

Marriage is one make-believe lifetime story that continues to entangle young women with promising careers into a carefully weaved web of housewives and motherhood. The main problem with most marriages or expectations from an African perspective I have observed is that it has to be endorsed with a new child just for the relatives keen to see if indeed the newly-weds are fertile.

It’s inevitable, judging by divorce cases and overwhelmed marriage counsels, to boldly declare that marriage is one of the most overrated institutions, that women, like fattened cattle confidently walk into a slaughter house. The manner in which marriage is hyped up, one would be forgiven to assume that those who are married are the happiest people ever. Just conduct a head count survey of people who are married and check how many you know that are really happy. Besides, one can say it’s absurd for one to assume that one has to be happy for the rest of his/her life.

Few or none at all! I thought as much. At this point I think we might be on the same page. Marriage is greatly overrated. Again, of all the people that are married how many do you know that have to go for years paying off the debt they would have acquired just to make merry in officiating their affection in the public. Most marriages are built on debt and in the long run, financial problems become a serious problem. Hear me out, I am not disputing marriage, but all I am saying is that it is greatly overrated.

I know this might sound cynical to a lot of people but what do you gain after getting married? The very obvious answers are sharing life’s precious moments with that special someone, celebrating togetherness, ensuring that there will be someone to take care of you once you grow old, but then these are things you’ll get out of any serious long term relationship . . . why do you need a legal contract or a government certificate for it? What one can be absolutely sure of is losing one’s freedom, one’s independence and a lot many times even his/her desires and dreams.

But what if even after giving it all your energy, you two are just not compatible enough. It’s not just a normal relationship where you would just part ways. An institution like marriage involves so much that it’s never easy to get out of and then all your actions start to be torn by bitterness. The feeling that “no matter what I do, it won’t change” can make your life miserable and you helpless. Once you get married slowly but steadily the romance will fade away because marriage is more about commitment and less about romance and love. In no way am I questioning the place of love in marriage but it’s always commitment that takes the upper hand. Marriage in actual fact has nothing to do with love. It cannot make someone love you, it doesn’t even guarantee they will continue to love you.

You don’t have to rush yourself into a marriage. Don’t succumb to pressure or expectations of family members, who in the end won’t be in a position to save your marriage once it collapses. As a woman you have to stop racing with time, just to get into a marriage. Let life take you through the process until you decide in your own comfort zone that now you want to get married.

Why don’t you ask yourself why men are so at ease and reluctant to get married than women? Is it less enjoyable for them? Is it stressful for them? Did nature build them that way? Or women are just raised to expect and accept marriage as a highlight buoyant point of their life? It’s one of those bones of contentions I would like to leave at your table.

Never succumb to marriage pressure because it will leave you heartbroken. Always look upon marriage with suspicious eyes because marriage comes packed with stress and pressure of living your life in accordance to someone else. With marriage come kids who will take over every waking minute. Are you ready for such? Let me safely conclude by saying marriage is not for all!