The Sunday News
Nhlalwenhle Ncube
FESTIVE season is around the corner and it is family time. Unfortunately there are some people who will never get the opportunity to be with their loved ones as they will be away all the time hunting for beer.
Before you know it, your partner turns out to love the bottle more than you. He puts you in a situation where alcohol becomes your competitor. It is so painful and heartbreaking to be in such a situation. You can try to cover up and act strong. But when you attend family gatherings, it’s either you are alone or he turns up drunk and steals the show, embarrassing you even more.
Loving an alcoholic can be one of the most challenging and trying of relationship situations. You watch as your loved one transforms before your very eyes into someone you don’t know, and perhaps worse, into someone you may not want to know. You miss the person you once knew or you pine for the person you know is in there if the alcohol would just go away. It can leave you feeling lonely and utterly helpless.
In order to avoid that feeling of helplessness and the sense of loneliness, you often dive right in to trying to change things. Most times you find yourself fighting with his drinking mates as you blame them for being a bad influence. You may empty bottles and hide them with the hope that he will stop drinking. But this may make things worse as he might start fighting you to get what he wants. When alcohol becomes someone’s number one priority, they will always find a way to get it and will stop at nothing in order to have it.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to stop him. You have to accept that you cannot change him through your actions, thoughts, worry, or words. You cannot even change it with love. Trying too hard will hurt you more. You will waste your time following him while he is having fun. Before you know it, you will have wasted your energy and time on someone who doesn’t need help. At least pay more attention to your children and enjoy your holiday.
When it comes to beer, the person should be the one realising that he is messing up and wants to change. Alcohol addiction is a disease of the mind, the body and the spirit. No matter how hard you work to fix a person who is mad about the bottle, you can’t. The body screams out its need for alcohol. “We HAVE to have it,” it cries. In the absence of alcohol, the alcoholic body gets physically sick and experiences heightened anxiety. The central nervous system becomes overactive and needs alcohol to calm down. With just a few sips of alcohol, all of these symptoms go away. So just as the alcoholic’s mind is lying to its victim, saying “its’ okay, and you can have just one,” their body is craving it in a way that is undeniable. “We NEED alcohol,” says the body. No human power and no amount of love can compete with the hold that the disease of alcohol has on its prey. Do not fool yourself into thinking you can make your loved one stop. You can’t!
You can live your life, love and care for yourself, while still loving and supporting an alcoholic. You do not have to be miserable and worried all of the time. It is not your job to fix your partner, but let him realise on his own and make the right choice. The other thing, know the right time to talk sense into his head and not when he is already highly intoxicated.
It can feel like the person you knew and loved so much before the alcoholism began (or got worse) is gone forever. It’s as if they are a stranger and their entire personality has changed. They are no longer reliable, dependable, honest or fun to be around. But the person you knew is still in there. Under the booze and the many negative consequences, lies the person you miss so much. They are suffering too, and no matter what they might say or do, there is a part of them that would like to be able to live without alcohol. Alcoholics don’t believe it’s possible to live a life completely abstinent from alcohol. Know that the alcoholic is not living this way to hurt you and know that in their haze, they still believe they are the person you remember them to be.
Living with an alcoholic can be a living hell. Unpredictable and dangerous, yet sometimes exciting and romantic. Never knowing when you will be blamed or accused. Not being able to dependably plan social events. As he becomes more irresponsible, you become the sole functioning parent or even the sole provider and unable to lean on your partner for comfort or support. Meanwhile, he also becomes a problem as you have to rescue him or her from disasters, medical emergencies, accidents or jail. You make excuses for no-shows at work and family gatherings and patch up damaged property, relationships, and self-inflicted mishaps. You may also endure financial hardship, criminality, domestic violence, or infidelity due to his bad behaviour under alcohol influence.
When he falls in love with alcohol, you worry, feel angry, afraid and alone. Your self-esteem deteriorates from his lies, verbal abuse and blame. No one wants such a life and finally you will be left with no choice but to make him choose. Life is too short!
