The Sunday News
Lighterside
“WHAT on earth is that player up to?” My wife demanded, pushing her head closer to the television screen.
“Which one?” I asked, delighted that the opening Fifa World Cup game had aroused some interest in her. Getting her to follow the tournament would be my biggest single achievement of the decade. It would come in handy when I negotiated for more football viewing time in our living room. Yes, at least for the duration of the tournament, we would banish those soap operas and Nigerian movies. With my wife now showing interest in the game, I may even extend the triumph into the post-World Cup era.
“The player in a navy blue uniform,” my wife said, wagging her finger at the screen. “For the entire first-half he has been running up and down the field but not once has he touched the ball.”
I sighed, shook my head and muttered, “Kude phambili,” (it is a long way to go.)
“Kude phambili?” My wife frowned and turned her gaze onto me. “Sounds like an African name to me. What is he doing playing for either Brazil or Croatia? Sell out!”
“That is the referee, not a player,” I said. My hope of the family watching the World Cup regardless of what was on the other channels faded. With such ignorance of the game, there was no way I could turn my home into a World Cup haven.
I am not a defeatist but her often stated views on football told me that it was too late to convince her that watching the 2014 World Cup on television was the best way of spending our evenings. The realistic course of action was to prepare to watch the 2018 World Cup in Russia. I decided to write an open letter to Fifa.
Dear Fifa
Kindly be advised that my wife is disgusted by the sight of anyone spitting. Sadly, mostly footballers spit after every sprint they make. To give you a fuller picture of her views, I quote at length what she recently said to me.
“I know I speak for most members of the fairer sex on this one. The intensity of the feeling I get when I watch a footballer spit equals the pleasure a fan experiences when cheering a beautiful goal. On average, 50 spits are caught on camera in a match. Three goals are scored, of which only one can be described as beautiful. No need for a mathematician to calculate the percentage of pleasure to that of disgust.
Then there is the misery of going for too long without goals. It is not unusual for an entire match to finish without a single goal scored. Watching football is the most painful activity I have endured in my living room.
It is not as if I do not take measures to avoid the pain. When I see a player about to spit, I quickly cover my food/drink or look away. Perhaps not surprisingly, given the rigorous training those players go through, the spit is often halfway out before I cover my food or avert my eyes. For every spit, I imagine the spittle landing on my food or on the carpet. This thought lingers in my mind for days.
To save us from this disgusting practice, there will be no watching of football in my living room. Soap operas and Nigerian movies will provide all the entertainment we need.”
My wife smiled in a manner that said “case closed”.
In light of the foregoing, dear Fifa, I request that you consider making the following changes:
Instruct the television beamers never to show a spitting player. Instead, cameras will increase coverage of fans on the terraces. I for one enjoy the sight of those jubilant fans with painted faces and sporting colourful costumes. Rival fans tease each other and laugh together. Our Highlanders and Dynamos fans may copy this progressive behaviour.
Perhaps you may opt for a confrontational solution to the spitting problem. Make it an offence. The punishment will be a free kick from the 18 yard line. This new rule will immediately reduce the number of spits and increase spectacular goals. Talk about scoring two goals with one kick!
Armed with these changes, I will convince my wife that every World Cup game is watched in my living room.
I am aware that you are constantly considering and introducing rules that make the game more fluid and entertaining. I, therefore, have no doubt that you will welcome my suggestion and come 2018; the spit rule will be introduced.
Television viewers will overwhelmingly opt to watch the tournament more than anything else. To avoid a humiliating defeat, soap opera makers will agree to take a break for the duration of the tournament. By the time the tournament is over, most viewers will be hooked on football.
I look forward to your speedy and favourable reply. Yours in football.
You know me dear reader. I am not the kind of person that dances and claps for himself. So I ask you to clap for me and I start dancing for what will be a bigger and more viewer friendly World Cup in 2018.
