The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I HAVE a problem, each time I try to put on a condom to have sex I lose an erection. I am able to maintain an erection if don’t put on a condom. I don’t know what to do because I want to have sex without worrying about STIs and unwanted pregnancies. — Help.
Reply
There are many other possible explanations behind erection loss — and by the way, your experience is very common. Around 52 percent of men report losing an erection before or while putting on a condom or after inserting into the vagina while wearing a condom. Indeed, almost all men experience erection loss at some stage in their lives. A simple solution: ask your girlfriend to keep stimulating you (or stimulate yourself) while you apply the condom. Continuing stimulation during condom application can help you stay hard while suiting up for intercourse. The problem might be that you are using condoms that don’t fit properly. Wearing condoms that are too big or small may contribute to erection loss. You must also know that erection loss is correlated with many psychological conditions, particularly anxiety and depression. In fact, some medications used to treat anxiety and depression can reduce a person’s sex drive. Feel free to make an appointment with a counsellor to delve deeper into any psychological concerns that are leading to erection loss.
Hi Sis Noe
I have nosy neighbours who are making my sex life difficult. Each time I have my girlfriend over they sarcastically imitate the sex noises we make. I know they eavesdrop on us and I feel like they are invading my privacy. I want to enjoy my sex life without an audience, we are now forced to suppress our moans. — Help.
Reply
You are not alone in valuing privacy, especially in intimate situations. And, it’s hard to think of a positive side to having paper-thin walls. You don’t seem to be on great terms with your neighbours, but still that does not mean you cannot talk to them and tell them that what they are doing is wrong. First though, limiting your self-expression during sex because of what the neighbours might hear is not an option, you must not subject such an unfortunate burden on your relationship. Still, some privacy is clearly important. Do the neighbours have any kind of regular schedule? Maybe they are usually away from home at certain times. You might use those times for more private activities or conversations with your girlfriend. If you would rather not talk with your neighbours then maybe playing some music could camouflage your conversations and sex. Rearranging your living space might also enhance your privacy. You could move your bed or bedroom further from the wall you share with the neighbours. Good luck.
Hi Sis Noe
Sis Noe I am stressed. I am taking syphilis medication. The problem is that I had unprotected sex with my new boyfriend without protection. It just happened, it was not planned. My fear is that I have infected him. I don’t know what to do because I am worried that I have shattered the trust in this relationship. — Stressed.
Reply
As the saying goes — sh*t happens. Things don’t always go according to plan. Things go further than we think, faster than we imagined, or in ways we didn’t predict. We make mistakes and sometimes don’t do things we wished we had done, or wished we had done them differently. Most would agree that it is not respectful or honest to withhold information when someone might have been infected with a sexually transmitted infection or could become infected through sex. Taking responsibility for such a mishap would include admitting the mistake, forgiving ourselves, and trying anew as best we can. You get to decide whether or not you want to try and include this man in your future. Do you think this guy is worth working through this slightly awkward beginning? If you think the relationship could have some potential for goodness, fun, and fulfillment share your syphilis status with him now.
Even if you are planning to end it, it might be worth telling this man for two reasons: (1) so he knows he might have been exposed, and (2) so that you have the experience of telling someone something difficult to disclose. The more comfortable you are discussing it, the more likely you are to put him at ease, although you have no control over his response or reaction. You didn’t mention if this man wanted to use condoms, did he have any? He has a responsibility for protecting his health, as well.
Some people don’t consider this, but there is a chance he may have an STI disclosure of his own to share. Think about what was helpful to you when you first learned about your syphilis diagnosis. Sharing information and resources with him may be a valuable way to educate him and reduce his anxiety, but he may need time to deal with his anxiety or fear in his own way first.
Hi Sis Noe
I don’t know what is wrong with me, my boyfriend licks me down there but I don’t feel anything. My friends tell me that oral sex is great. — Help.
Reply
When you say that you don’t feel anything when your boyfriend performs cunnilingus on you, you mean that you are not in the least bit aroused sexually and that it’s as if you were just sitting there talking to him fully-clothed? Or, do you mean that, even though it feels good, you do not orgasm? Chances are that nothing is wrong with you — you just haven’t learned to orgasm yet. Touching yourself is a place to start. Use your fingers and see what feels good to you. Orgasm is a learned physiological response — your mission is to discover what you respond to best. It just takes women a little longer to figure out how to orgasm, perhaps, because it’s not as obvious for women as it is for men, and women haven’t had as much practice. The idea is to learn to orgasm by yourself first, and then to transfer the sensations to partner sex.
WORD FROM SIS NOE
Next week our dateline section returns. Please send your requests. State your age, city, HIV status and preference.
A good week to you all.
