The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I AM failing to penetrate my wife even though she will be wet and my penis very hard. We don’t know what the problem is.
We got married a month ago and at first we had sex without a problem, now her vagina gets tight when I try to enter her. — Help.
Reply
The vagina itself is never too small to accommodate a penis — remember that its walls are flexible enough to allow a full-sized baby to pass along it. But it can seem too small for sex if the muscles at its entrance go into a spasm when you try to penetrate her. This is a rare condition called vaginismus.
Some women with vaginismus can insert a tampon without any problem, but others find that trying to insert anything — a tampon, a finger or a penis — makes the muscles contract.
Vaginismus is a very distressing condition. It is very painful if you attempt to push your way in, and I believe you feel wary to do this — you are confused and worried. You hate the idea of causing her any pain and you probably think your sexual technique is at fault. It is not. Your wife is most likely having feelings of anger, guilt and inadequacy, and fear that you may leave her.
Some women withdraw from all physical contact — even holding hands — in case it leads to sex. Vaginismus is really a deep-rooted phobia of penetration, and perhaps of pregnancy or childbirth. The reason is different for each woman: it can result from some unresolved sexual conflict, from sexual abuse or from a belief that sexual activity is undesirable. She may have had a painful vaginal condition that has left her with a conditioned fear of sex.
Vaginismus should not be confused with frigidity; women with vaginismus are often sexually responsive, but cannot tolerate penetration. This condition is not treated with medication but with counselling. To get this psychosexual therapy, it is best to talk to your doctor. Your wife will have to explain that she has a problem with sex, and that this problem means that as a couple you have not been able to have sex at all. Your doctor will arrange for psychosexual counselling.
Hi Sis Noe
My boyfriend takes too long to ejaculate, as for me I orgasm two or three times before he does. Is the problem with him or me? I know he masturbates occasionally. — Worried.
Reply
There is no standard for how long it takes a man to reach orgasm, so the fact that it takes your partner a long time may just be how his body works. Is it possible that your boyfriend may be more familiar with orgasming by himself than he is with you?
He may be used to the grip of his own hand, which is different from the sensation of vaginal muscles during intercourse.
Generally speaking, a history of masturbation is not enough to suggest difficulty with reaching orgasm with a partner. Other possible causes of delayed orgasm in men and women may include the use of drugs, prescription or otherwise. For others, it takes time to build trust with a partner, to feel like you can really “let go”. Have you asked him if there is anything you could do sexually that would make him feel more aroused and lead to orgasm — ways he would like to be touched, held, or talked to? How about discussing any medications that may be contributing to the situation? What about discussing what has worked for him in the past? Open communication between the two of you can build trust, a deeper connection, and may be a step toward finding a mutually satisfying place regarding orgasms in your relationship. It’s important that you don’t take his lack of orgasm as a personal affront — thinking that you are not arousing him. On the other hand, if he feels this is a problem, he may choose to see a doctor.
Hi Sis Noe
My girlfriend expects me to drive her wherever she wants to go. Whenever she has an errand she calls me, no matter how busy I am at work she expects me to stop what I am doing to take her places. I love her a lot but I am starting to feel like a taxi driver who never gets paid. — Abused.
Reply
Employment and maintaining your job is very important and for you to jeopardise that for your lazy girlfriend would be ludicrous. She does not see it that way as she is only focused on her own needs and comfort. Not only that, but she has no sense or concept of what it is like to work for a living. There are most likely thousands of other people vying for your job, don’t give them a chance to snatch it from you, as losing your job would most likely be catastrophic. Besides educating your girlfriend of these facts, she is going to have to grow up and realise that she is an adult woman that needs to get herself to and from her destinations, just as you have figured out how to do. Tell her that a kombi ride is only 50 cents and she should join the ranks that commute using public transport, because you giving in to her demands will help nobody.
Hi Sis Noe
My boyfriend is violent and beats me up a lot when we argue. He says he does that because he loves me and he will change. He does a lot of things for me but I don’t like the fact that he is violent. — Help.
Reply
Seriously, if every time you two argue about some trivial matter and he always ends up beating you, then it’s time to dump him. The issues you have, no matter how grave they are, don’t grant him a licence to assault you. When fights are happening often and are progressing into more violent occurrences, you really need to ask yourself if you need that in your life. There is nothing he can do to make up for the violence he always unleashes on you. And his assurances that he will abstain from this behaviour, we both know, are a total lie. He has already demonstrated that to you.
What is going to happen with your next fight? Could be just a minor domestic spat or you could be in the hospital with your appendages in a pile on the table beside you. The only great thing to come out of these fights is that they give you a good reason to break it off with him. This guy will continue to fill your life with bull, grief, noise and mounting abuse that you can do without. Breaking up with him on the phone will suffice, keep it brief, be firm and don’t accept pleas for “another chance”. Make sure that parents, friends and others close to you are aware of what is happening in case he decides to go ballistic. And don’t hesitate to get police involved at the first sign of trouble. You may have been attracted to such an individual because of your own insecurities and emotional weaknesses. So walk away from this train wreck; take time to build up your confidence, gain self worth and clear your mind; and seek someone who respects and loves you.
