The Sunday News
OF all the emails, texts and WhatsApp messages that I have received and continue to receive since I began this column the one that never seems missing in my inbox every week is about quality sex.
People are desperate for quality sex but no matter what they do it seems to evade them.
We have great expectations of our sex lives these days and worry when things don’t seem to work out as hoped.
I can’t just say, “Do this and do that, and I promise you great sex.” I can suggest some things to try which please many people, but you are much better placed than I to say what in particular will give you pleasure.
Before I say any more, though, I do want to stress that you owe it to yourself to be immensely responsible about the person you have sex with, where and how.
Sex is valuable, you are valuable — it is not to be wasted on someone you do not know very well, or who does not care for you. Casual sex brings increased risk of sexual infection and HIV, and of getting your feelings hurt. This applies to men as well as women.
You must also be very responsible about contraception. It is cruel to create babies who are not wanted, and by wanted I mean wanted by both of you.
It is important to use a condom even if the girl is on the Pill, unless you are 100 percent sure neither of you could be carrying HIV or any other sexual infection.
Now — how to have great sex . . . First of all, don’t be afraid to explore your own body and responses — masturbation, in other words. If you learn what type of caresses thrill you, you are much better able to help your partner to give you pleasure.
Assuming that you are making love in a very real sense of the word, you and your partner should feel comfortable enough together to tell one another what feels good, what turns you on.
There are no firm dos and don’ts in sex. Nothing is abnormal, or perverted between loving couples as long as both enjoy it and neither is hurt, either physically or emotionally.
If you are not sure what your partner would enjoy, ask. Being in love doesn’t mean you can be a mind-reader. However, it can often help to imagine yourself in the other person’s body and think what you would enjoy now. You will probably be right!
You want to bring your partner’s body alive all over. You may well like to start with kissing and caressing, but do not feel that you must move straight on to the obvious sexual areas.
Caress arms, back, legs, experimenting with firm, smooth strokes and light, feathery movements. Kiss the face, mouth, ears, and neck.
When both of you feel that your skin is alive all over, you can move on to the more obviously sexual areas of stimulation.
Caress breasts, stomach, bottom, thighs, particularly the sensitive inner thighs.
Make an occasional quick dash to the outer lips of the vagina, or to the penis, and away again, and then gradually start to linger longer. The man is usually ready for this sort of stimulation some time before the woman is ready for him to move on to her genital area. An erect penis can take quite firm handling. The man can explain what caresses feel best.
The part of women’s anatomy which brings most of them the most pleasure is the clitoris, a little bud tucked away in front of the vagina. It is very, very sensitive. Some women find direct stimulation of it soon makes them feel sore. You must experiment. The flat of your hand massaging the whole genital area may be what feels best.
Many couples love oral sex best. Some religions regard it as taboo, but most people these days would agree that there is nothing morally wrong with a loving couple giving each other pleasure this way.
Obviously normal rules about hygiene must be followed and oral sex is not safe sex if one of you has any sort of sexually transmitted infection, or active herpes (of the mouth or genitals), or is HIV-positive.
This build-up may take half-an-hour or so before the woman, especially, feels ready to think of intercourse. A woman is ready when her vagina is moist and relaxed, open in expectation, and — most important of all — she knows that is what she wants.
A man is ready for intercourse when his penis is sufficiently erect — though this doesn’t mean that he has got to be as hard as a rod of iron — and he feels ready.
The position or positions you choose for intercourse are up to you — there are no rights or wrongs.
Some couples have a wonderful sex life never varying from the traditional missionary position. But it really can help love-making stay exciting and pleasurable to remember that it doesn’t always — or ever — have to end in intercourse.
Couples can give each other tremendous satisfaction with other caresses of fingers or tongues, if they want to. Such variety can stop sex seeming predictable, and stop either of you feeling pressured that every time you start showing physical affection it must end with intercourse.
Only a minority of women reach orgasm during intercourse — most of those who climax do so as a result of other stimulation.
For them intercourse should naturally be just a part of sex-play, not the be-all and end-all.
Some women and a few men never climax at all, but still enjoy making love. It certainly doesn’t matter whether you both climax at the same time. All that matters is that each partner enjoys the shared physical experience without feeling pressured to fit in with some fixed notion of successful sex.
