The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
MY husband is addicted to porn to the extent that he has stopped watching TV with me in order to watch porn on his laptop. When I am cooking, cleaning or washing clothes while he is at home he will be locked up in our bedroom watching porn. I have caught him twice masturbating. — Help.
Reply
Your husband has lost the plot. You need to explain to him that you are tired of his tedious games. If he enjoys watching porn all the time then you and he are poles apart. He lacks respect for you and your marriage. Make it clear that there have to be changes. However, if he won’t agree to meet you halfway then you have to talk to your aunts and explain to them that your husband is neglecting his duties in order to watch porn. It is obvious that he needs counselling and you should encourage him to seek help on how to overcome this addiction. If he is unmoved then you should consider leaving him. You can’t stay with a man who opts to have sex with his hand instead of with you.
Hi Sis Noe
My girlfriend is violent and whenever we have an argument she slaps me. I can easily overpower her but I am not a violent man and I believe in finding solutions to problems through communication. At one time she even punched me in front of my friends and relatives. I have told her to stop that but she says she is like that. What can I do? — Worried.
Reply
Run for the hills and don’t look back. This horrible woman needs to hear that her nonsense ends right here and now.
The reality is that nothing gives this violent woman the right to lash out and hurt you. She is out of order and needs restraining and professional help. Surely that time when she punched you in front of friends and relatives was the final straw? What more does she have to do before you finally accept that she is a bully and a thug? What you can’t do is give her any more chances because who knows what she might be capable of next? Tell her that you can’t possibly see her ever again and move on. If she threatens to get violent after you dump her, go to the police. I know it might be embarrassing going to the police and admitting that you have been abused and you fear you will be assaulted but think about the bigger picture. Think about stopping her before she goes on to hurt someone else. Domestic violence is a serious matter — whether it’s aimed at women or men — and there is no shame in telling the truth.
Hi Sis Noe
I was in love with a girl who was a drug addict and a thief. She used to smoke marijuana and she stole money and other things from me whenever she came for a sleep over. I used to blame my younger brothers whenever my things went missing, but I later caught her while she was going through my drawers. Despite that I continued loving her until she cheated on me. We broke up two years ago but now she says she wants me back. She claims that she has changed. I feel sorry for her but I am confused. Should I take her back? — Confused.
Reply
Bad idea, do not take her back, not under any circumstance. I know it’s hard, and you feel really sorry for your troubled ex-girlfriend, but you must now start looking out for yourself. She was lucky that you didn’t report her to the police for the thefts. Clearly you are a very caring person, who is prepared to look for good in others, but your relationship didn’t work then and it won’t work now. You tried to improve your ex-girlfriend’s life but she let you down. Never let her, or anyone else for that matter, use you again. Tell her that you are sorry she is lonely, but you have moved on. You took a chance on her, but now you have to start thinking about your own sanity and security.
Don’t waste time feeling sorry for her or giving in to emotional blackmail or guilt. Be reassured that she will survive and her future welfare is not your responsibility. You cannot stick with someone just because you feel sorry for them — that’s no basis for a mutually respectful adult relationship.
Hi Sis Noe
I am having an affair with my female boss. Her husband is based in Kenya so every weekend she takes me to their farm where we have sex. She is crazy about sex and we do a lot of things including watching porn and having anal sex.
She says she loves me and said since we are in love we should not use condoms. We once had a threesome with her white friend based in England. I have told her to divorce her husband if she really loves me but she refuses. — Worried.
Reply
You are worried that she is not leaving her husband? Ah! You should be worried about your HIV status and the possibility that she could infect you with sexually transmitted diseases. I mean you have had a threesome with her and her friend, did you use condoms? When you have anal sex do you use protection? There are high chances of getting HIV from anal sex than from penile-vaginal sex. So I urge you to go get tested and stop having unprotected sex and please stop building castles in sand, she is never going to leave her husband for you. She loves the great sex you have at her farm, but you are never going to be a committed couple.
She just wants your penis, nothing else. The moment her husband moves back to Zimbabwe for good she will drop you like a hot potato. I understand that you are angry and frightened, because this is a serious crossroads in your life, but there can be no turning back. Rejection is hard to take, but you still have your whole life ahead of you. Start having more confidence in yourself. Realise that this is an exciting new chapter in your life, and go for it. It goes without saying that you have to stop seeing your boss. Just promise me that you will go in to your next relationship with your eyes wide open. And please stop going out with married women — find your own single woman and marry her if you want.
Hi Sis Noe
My father married my stepmother five years after my mother died. The problem is that my older brother is having sex with her behind my father’s back. I know this because I once read their WhatsApp chats on my stepmother’s phone. I have told my brother I know what he is doing and I have warned him to stop or I tell our father but he denies that he is sleeping with her. Should I tell my father? — Worried.
Reply
You can tell him, the question is — are you prepared for the fallout that will follow? Your father might believe you and boot out your stepmother or he might think you hate her and you are trying to ruin his marriage. I must ask — what kind of relationship do you have with your father? Would he expect you to come to him with something like this? I worry there is a very strong chance your father will be tempted to shoot the messenger who happens to be you. Tread very carefully here. Don’t make accusations you can’t back up 100 percent. Go back to your brother again and ask him to see sense. Also, talk to your stepmother and let her tell you what is really going on. Sadly, if neither of them is prepared to clear the air, and you feel it’s appropriate to speak to your father yourself, then go for it. But do be mindful of the perfect storm that you could be about to unleash.
