The Sunday News
ANONYMOUS: has been married for 25 years and has eight children with her husband, but he recently decided he wants another wife.
Anonymous: I’m 48 and have been married to my husband for 25 years. We have eight children, and our eldest child is married already. The problem is my husband, who is 58, suddenly decided he wants another wife and even brought a lady and her two children to my house. I was very upset and had a big fight with him but he told me that if I am unhappy about it I should leave. It turns out he’s the father of this woman’s children and she is his colleague. So not only do they see each other at night, but they’re together every day too. I’m having sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do. I love my husband very much.
Reply:
In our culture, if a man asks his wife’s permission to take a second wife, and she says “no”, then he can’t marry the second woman. The truth is, it’s up to you. You’re having to cope with so much here; not only has your husband cheated on you but he’s now brought home a new woman plus the children that he has fathered.
You must be devastated and I feel for you. You have to weigh up your options: if you leave him and this situation, where will you go? He’ll have to pay maintenance for you and your minor children but will you be able to survive financially? Talk to your children, especially the older ones, and ask them how they feel about what is going on.
Then I suggest you get legal advice as to your options and your rights. This will make it much easier for you to make a decision about your future. If you can’t bear the thought of sharing your husband, then you must be brave and leave him. You deserve to be treated with respect and loyalty.
It will be hard at first, but with the support of friends and family, you can pull through. This might be a chance for you to start living a more independent life again.
Hi Sis Noe
I am 27 and have been dating a guy aged 25. He has three kids from different mothers and we met when the third woman was pregnant and he said they were over. Two months later, they got back together so I quit. Now they are separated again and he’s asking for my love back. The truth is I love this guy, no one can do better and he’s the best. — Woried.
Reply
This guy is 25 and already has three kids from three different women. What’s his target? I would be cautious of getting involved with a man who doesn’t have protected sex.
He may not be impregnating other women, but he certainly seems unable to be faithful.
Who else is he sleeping with while he is with you? Dealing with the issues of one baby mama can be challenging. When there are three with different demands, you can triple the drama.
Are you up for that challenge? My advice: Move on.
Hi Sis Noe
I’m 20 and I still love my ex.
I’m now with someone who gives me everything I want and he loves me, but I don’t feel the same about him. What must I do? — Worried.
Reply:
You need to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend. Your happiness in a relationship depends on your commitment to it. Either you’re in or you’re out, and it sounds to me that you’re out. Give the guy the respect he deserves by being honest with him about how you feel and let him go. He might say that you can grow to love him, but be honest with yourself about whether you see this happening or not, and make the right decision.
Hi Sis Noe
My girlfriend does not want to sleep with me. What should I do? — Worried.
Reply:
1. She was under the impression that the two of you were just friends going out for a platonic hangout, and having you try to end the night with sex is just about the most awkward thing she could imagine.
2. Because of how the world will treat her if she sleeps with someone soon — even someone she really likes, who really likes her — she is waiting for what she feels is a more appropriate moment.
3. She’s on her period.
4. She’s on her period, and even though she’s had period sex with you before, she’s on one of those really awful, bloaty, entirely unsexy periods. So no.
5. She knows that she’s not going to orgasm, no matter how hard you try, so she’d honestly just rather watch a good show and cuddle for a while.
6. She knows how personally you are going to take it when she can’t orgasm, and it makes her dread having sex because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings and then feel even more inadequate.
7. Her room-mates are going to hear, and even if you can get into it knowing that someone is aware of your every move, she can’t.
8. She is unsure of whether or not you are actually interested in her, or you’re just trying to get a little bit of sex with her before moving onto something better. So she’s holding out.
9. Because of how the world views bodies like hers, she doesn’t feel sexy. She thinks that you’ll see her naked and be immediately repulsed (even if you never would).
10. Her natural instincts as far as expressing affection and closeness often don’t include sex, even though it is essential for you to feel close.
11. Sometimes she just wants to dance with someone, maybe even closely, without wanting to go home and take things any farther. Dancing can be nice just by itself, and doesn’t have to imply anything.
