The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I was in an unhappy marriage and as a result I ended up having an affair with my friend’s husband. We have been together for a year now, but when I suggested that we leave our partners he ended things. I feel betrayed. — Betrayed.
Reply
I don’t know whether to be sorry or to say you deserve the betrayal. I am conflicted. Okay, lets get to the matter at hand. The situation you find yourself in now, reduced and defensive, can only be tackled by confronting honestly the choices you have made.
I have enormous sympathy for your sense of betrayal at the hands of a married lover, but having betrayed your friend in order to experiment with her husband, you can’t be so shocked at the existence of deceit. You should not have the good grace to say you were betrayed because to claim any sort of high ground here would be erroneous. He betrayed you, you betrayed your friend.
There really isn’t much to choose from between you. Your friend’s husband was never your ticket to happiness. You betrayed your friend and made a poor choice of a lover, both of which I’m afraid are entirely your responsibility.
Surely it’s time to let go of whatever declarations were made in the height of the affair and take stock of your marriage instead. Friendship is precious, sometimes more so than romance, and you should think carefully in future before grasping whatever driftwood floats by, especially when someone else is already clinging to it.
You are in an unhappy place, but at least some of it is of your own making. This man you are mourning has his bed to lie in. With the greatest respect, I suggest you find a more constructive way of clambering out of yours.
Hi Sis Noe
I am in love with a man who has a girlfriend. He had said he was unhappy and was going to leave her but now he has changed his mind. He said he loves me but he can’t leave her because she works and I don’t. I don’t know what to do. — Confused.
Reply
It’s your choice. Just look at the knots you are tying yourself up in trying to work out an acceptable narrative for his unacceptable behaviour.
There are few qualities less attractive in men and this man of yours seems to be imbued with industrial quantities. Surely we can all agree that when you are being overlooked because you are not employed then it’s time to get real.
This is not the stuff of great love stories, but of ill-conceived dalliances, self-deceit and our deep desire to be wanted, often at any cost.
I have no idea if he is genuine but even if he is the trouble is that his behaviour doesn’t make him any less of a bad man. In fact it increases my sense that this is a guy with little moral fibre and no ability to steer his own destiny — two qualities not at all appealing in a prospective partner.
I don’t really care why he is still with his girlfriend. Actions speak far louder than words — you are worthless to him. My advice is to tell him you will give him neither space nor time but intend to carry on with your own life, rising above his inability to make choices and setting your sights on someone who knows what they want and is prepared to make the sacrifices.
Hi Sis Noe
I am 21, my boyfriend played me and we broke up two months ago. Now there is a guy who loves me but I find it hard to love again. He has already introduced me to his parents. I have feelings for him but I am afraid of being played again. — Confused.
Reply
You are still to get over the heartbreak of losing your former lover, so it’s difficult for you to just turn on the love. The time out you took after breaking up with you ex was too short, the ideal situation was for you to wait until you got better. But since you are already in a relationship try by all means to love and trust again. This guy loves you, that is why he has introduced you to his parents so just take the leap of faith and chances are that you will not regret it.
Hi Sis Noe
I am in love with some guy but now I think he is avoiding me because when I call he diverts my calls to his younger sister’s number, please help, I am confused, what do I do? Is he cheating? — Worried.
Reply
It would be a big jump to think your boyfriend is cheating because he has diverted your calls. His withdrawal may not even be about you. Maybe he’s upset about something or involved in something that is taking his attention away from you.
Give him the benefit of the doubt. Go and see him and gently ask if he needs a little space or if he’s having a hard time. Offer your help and support if he needs it. Then see what happens.
I’m sorry that this is leaving you hurt and confused. I realise that it makes it hard to be patient. But making assumptions instead of checking things out almost always backfires.
I hope that approaching your boyfriend with concern instead of accusations makes a difference. The other option is to stop calling him and let him be.
Sooner or later he is going to wonder what you are up to and he will contact you. By continuing to try to get in touch with him, you boost his ego and he is probably saying: “I’m the man”. Ignore him and he will come crawling back.
Hi Sis Noe
I am aged 18 and have a problem with my testicles because one of them swells sometimes especially when it is hot, I am worried — will I have a child? — Worried.
Reply
A swollen testicle or scrotum with no other signs or symptoms can have many causes. These include fluid accumulation, such as a hydrocele or spermatocele, enlargement of the veins around the testicle (varicocele) and a tumour. Typically, a testicular tumour is very firm to the touch and painless.
Testicular tumours are most common in young men between the ages of 20 and 40 years old. Swelling caused by fluid accumulation or enlarged blood vessels is usually soft and compressible. Even if it is not painful, you should be evaluated by a doctor to determine the cause of the swelling. Take care and good luck.
