The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
WHEN I am having sex with my husband I fantasise about having sex with many men at the same time. I have never cheated on my man and this makes me feel guilty a lot. What is wrong with me? — Worried.
Reply
Your erotic imaginings are private; you don’t have to share them. Fantasies develop in different ways. Some are generated from real events or images, while others are creative imaginings that arise through need, longing or even trauma. Consider searching for the root. One aspect of your fantasy that might be relevant is the fact the imagined men are gang banging you. Somehow, you have developed a turn-on that keeps you safe, where despite being “passed around”, you still retain control. Perhaps the number of men also helps you feel safe and releases you from the anxiety of seeing this as a fantasy you want to come true. So your fantasy is not the product of a “sick” mind, but may be a clever creative exercise designed to help assuage sexual fear and enjoy sex.
Hi Sis Noe
I am now disgusted by sex. I used to have a high sex drive but it has been decreasing over the past two years. I have sex with my boyfriend occasionally for his sake. I mentioned my lack of libido to my doctor, but she didn’t seem interested and had no advice. — Frustrated.
Reply
I am sorry your doctor was so uninterested. Your sexuality matters and such problems deserve to be addressed. You could try doing some personal research to try to uncover the reasons and thereby find a solution. There is an extensive list of possibilities. Depression comes to mind, as the tone of your letter suggests a kind of hopelessness. Seek a professional evaluation of your general mood. Many medications can affect one’s sexual response, so also research the side-effects of anything you are taking. There is also a well-established link between physical health and libido and sometimes underlying anger or resentment can shut down sexuality, so consider your deep feelings towards your partner. Have you recently remembered unpleasant earlier sexual experiences? How do you feel about your body? Might negative feelings about it be causing problem? Stress, fatigue or physical illness can be the culprits, as can a wealth of psychological issues. Don’t give up the search.
Hi Sis Noe
I stopped taking pills a month ago but I am yet to get my period back. What is wrong with me? — Help.
Reply
Going off the pill, or any hormonal contraceptive, is a big switch for your body. Among other changes, it may take several weeks for your period to find its own rhythm and become a regular visitor again. Depending upon the woman, the type of pill, and the length of time you have been taking it, it may take anywhere from several weeks to several months before hormone levels regulate and allow regular menstruation to resume. In addition, if your periods were irregular before taking the pill, your periods may continue to be irregular after stopping the pill.
Generally, your period should start four to six weeks after taking your last birth control pill. If you have not begun menstruating after three months, you may have a condition called post-pill amenorrhoea. Birth control pills stop your body from producing hormones that trigger ovulation (egg release) and menstruation. When you go off the pill, it can take a while for your body to re-adjust to its natural hormone production schedule.
Eventually though, your regular menstrual cycle will return. Most women will ovulate about two weeks after going off the pill. Older women, especially women who have been on the pill for a long time, may begin ovulating again more slowly. Although unusual, it is possible for a woman to get pregnant before starting to menstruate again. If you have had unprotected sex since you stopped taking the pill, or if you are worried that there is a chance you could be pregnant, then you may want to take a pregnancy test. If after several months, you are still not getting periods or if you have concerns about being pregnant, you may want to schedule a check-up with a health care provider. All that being said, chances are everything is okay and your body is simply re-adjusting to life off the pill.
Hi Sis Noe
My husband does not want to make love to me. It’s been months since we had sex. — Help.
Reply
You need to explore together why he doesn’t want to make love. Has he lost all his sexual drive, if so it may be a medical problem like lack of testosterone, diabetes, depression, or prescribed drugs that can affect his libido. Perhaps he is impotent but doesn’t want to admit it. If any of these things are causing a problem he should see his doctor. Alternatively if he has lost interest because, though he loves you, he no longer fancies you, then he needs to be honest about that. That does not mean that you are not attractive and sexy, it’s just that the chemistry is not there any longer. If so it would be soul-destroying for you to stay in this marriage.
The same would be true if he is not being entirely honest with himself or you about his sexual orientation. It could be that he has a very low sex drive, is there a pattern of him wanting sex in a new relationship but then he finds it peters out? High levels of stress can also depress some men’s libido and make them avoid sex. So can childhood sexual abuse. Psychosexual counselling could help if it’s a marriage or a psychological problem. But if he can’t identify why he has been avoiding sex and is reluctant to get help then you should seriously think whether you want this relationship.
Hi Sis Noe
Is it safe to have sex when pregnant? I am a woman aged 20 and I am pregnant. — Worried.
Reply
It is very safe to have sex when you are pregnant. But I am not surprised that you think your partner is going to harm the baby by thrusting into you. In fact, you might find out that your sex drive is higher than ever at this time (I hope I am right). Reassure him that the baby is protected and you could try some gentle positions that don’t seem dangerous. In your second trimester you should have a good sense of wellbeing and be blooming, and you will know that your baby has made it through the stage where the risk of miscarriage is highest. As your belly expands though, you might both need to get more creative with your positions. Sex can even help reduce pressure on your lower back and plenty of women say pregnancy improves their sex life!
There are exceptions, of course, and it’s always worth checking out with your doctor, for instance if you know you have a risk of bleeding, you have a history of miscarriage, are expecting more than one baby or you feel pain while urinating. Don’t be surprised if you feel that you prefer to be intimate without having sexual intercourse. Many women become more interested in sensual arousal and want to enjoy touch and foreplay, and it’s also normal to feel uncomfortable about having sex when you are pregnant. People are not the same — we are different.
