Chat with Sis Noe: My lover is not over her late hubby

by Sunday News Online | Sunday, Nov 5, 2017 | 599 views

womAN IN thoughts

Hi Sis Noe
I AM 19 and he is 26. My problem is that when I have sex with my boyfriend I start bleeding and it goes on for days. Please help me am worried. — Worried.

Reply
If you bleed after sex and you are not on your period see a doctor. If you have abnormal bleeding or spotting between periods then that could be a symptom of an STI and needs to be looked at. Although it is scary to think about, ignoring the problem could make things a lot worse. Bleeding after sex with your partner could be caused by a number of reasons ranging from a side effect of the contraception pill if you are on one to a natural virus known as HPV which causes cervical cancer. Any abnormal bleeding must be looked at. See a doctor.

Hi Sis Noe
How can I make sure that my boyfriend does not cheat on me and sleep with other women? He has a bad reputation but he says he has changed. — Worried.

Reply
Your new boyfriend needs to understand that he has got some work to do. Your relationship may be exciting right now, but try to keep a clear head and remember what he is capable of. Tell him you want to take things slowly because you are determined to protect yourself from hurt and ridicule. If he is serious about you, he needs to prove that with honesty and total transparency. He also needs to discuss with you why he always cheated in the past.

What were the triggers (alcohol/boredom?) and patterns, and how can they be broken?

Hi Sis Noe
My wife is boring in bed. She doesn’t move, she just lies there and doesn’t make any noise. I love oral sex and I do her but she doesn’t do me. We have been married for a month. I am thinking of leaving her. — Frustrated.

Reply
You need to ask yourself, “Is this woman prude, boring or just a rookie?” Being a prude means she is unwilling to partake in what she believes is beneath or unfitting of her. Bores are exactly that — she will just lie there in the starfish formation, emitting the occasional groan to indicate the existence of life, while the guy does all the heavy lifting.

Getting her to be active is out of the question. Reciprocal affection and pleasing is not their specialty. Finally, the most promising and possibly the most applicable of the three — she is a rookie. This really boils down to lack of experience, not quite knowing what you want or how to do things and a general feeling of self-consciousness.

Hence the lost looks when you suggest something. Which one can you slot your wife into? Don’t jump to conclusions, it is not always obvious. The first two are character traits, being a rookie is only an experience issue. You say she just goes quiet, that tells me she is a rookie — I am guessing here. Guys often make the mistake of assuming hot looks equals hot in the sack, which often fails to materialise. You seem to have forgotten it was not too long ago when you were fumbling around desperately trying to undo bra clasps. Give your wife a break; you need more patience and a guiding hand to graduate her from rookie to all-star.

Change how you approach this whole thing. I can tell from the tone of your writing, you are pushing too hard and offering too little. More tact is needed. Firstly, both of you should communicate about what you both like; instead of you just trying to make her do what you want. By asking her what she likes, you show that you care, and by letting her know what turns your crank, you have expressed how she holds the ability to titillate and satisfy you. Your efforts to learn what she likes will not go unappreciated. Secondly, you have probably offered her too little, both emotionally and physically. Make her feel sexy, spend more time working her up and getting her into the mood.

Don’t just dive in and start fondling her goodies, caress the little lady. She will be much more inclined to do oral if you have done a decent job. Finally, you are probably too heavy handed. Take it slower and alleviate some of her tension. Give her reasons, confidence and desire to upgrade to the next level. As she acclimatises, her willingness to open up, reciprocate and experiment will blossom.

Hi Sis Noe
I have a problem with my periods. I sometimes miss them but continue the next month. — Worried.

Reply
Missing a menstrual period is a lot more common than most people realise. This is often called amenorrhoea, which is the technical word for absence of menstrual periods. In women who are not pregnant, amenorrhoea is usually due to a hormonal imbalance. While these hormonal imbalances are not usually serious, there are some long-term health risks that can be avoided with treatment. Understand that missing a period is neither a disease nor a sure sign that you’re pregnant. Sometimes missing a period is perfectly normal and doesn’t mean anything is wrong. Usually if the period is late and the woman is not pregnant, the cause is hormonal.

This means that she is not ovulating regularly for some reason. Missed periods are often caused by undergoing a lot of stress. Stress can upset the normal hormonal balance in your body, causing your period to come late, or skip for one month. Some other characteristic causes of missed periods include undergoing any major changes in your life, such as moving, starting a new job, or changed eating or exercise habits. Loss of significant amount of weight can also cause you to miss a menstrual period. If you find that this condition persists over a few months, you should make an appointment with a doctor. If you miss more than three cycles or have any symptoms that are worrying you, you should see your doctor to check for the cause of the problem. Usually it does not turn out to be serious and may resolve on its own. But it is advisable to invest in your health before it gets out of control. The associated hormonal imbalances caused by missed periods may take a toll on your health in the long run. Avoid that by getting in control of your cycles.

Hi Sis Noe
I am in a relationship with a beautiful single mother of two who is a widow who lost her husband six years ago. I love her but my problem is that she is not over her husband; she is always talking about him. What can I do to make her stop? — Worried.

Reply
She must have been very young when her husband died and looking after her two children who had lost their father, as well as coping with her own grief must have been incredibly difficult. When you lose someone you love, you not only lose that person but also the relationship that you had with them, which was special and unique. I’m not sure one ever “gets over” the loss of a loved one, more that you gradually learn to live with it. Even then there are always unexpected reminders — perhaps hearing a favourite song, visiting somewhere that you had enjoyed together and waking up on Christmas morning without them.

These memories can trigger moments of intense grief and it’s as if you are back at square one. We can’t hurry grief but there comes a time when we have to let go of the sadness we are feeling and try to move on. It has been six years now and it does feel as if she is stuck somewhere in the grieving process — maybe because she feels angry with God or fate for snatching away the man she loved. Perhaps also she feels depressed, guilty or disloyal if she allows herself to fall in love again.

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