The Sunday News
Nhlalwenhle Ncube
EVERYONE has got a secret! Some people have tried to be good ‘‘girls’’ and ‘‘boys’’ making deadly confessions to their partners in the name of love, but all they get in the end are heartbreaks. They had hoped for the best, but it was the other way round.
I always hear people talking of confessions, but really is it necessary or you can take that secret to the grave and it will be for the best. Considering what I have seen happening to other people after making confessions, I will stick to confess what, confess my foot!
In the name of opening a new page in life, some people end up messing their lives by opening the Pandora’s box. My position in this issue is dealing with yourself and correcting your past.
Some people just get over excited and tell their partners their dirty past. Most of them would have changed, but after revealing whatsoever in good faith, they realise that the person they would have entrusted with the information, starts judging them using their past.
Always remember that the past is gone and your challenge is the future, so why worry with the past? Here we are not talking about everyday small lies, but the big, serious ones.
A serious lie is when people lie about something big — such as an affair or about some other terrible thing they did, or just about anything else they consider serious. They are more likely to tell those lies to the people they care about the most. Our spouses and the other people we feel closest to are the ones who have the highest expectations for us. That means it is especially hard to tell them that you have fallen so short of those expectations.
The truth is that we might value honesty and want to be honest, but sometimes have to value other qualities at the same time, such as compassion or loyalty. Occasionally, these two noble goals come into conflict. You realise that if you tell the truth, you will be unkind, and if you say something kind, it will be a lie. At times when people lie to the ones they love, it is because they are valuing something else more than honesty. Maybe they are trying to be loyal or to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings. Maybe they think that the other person isn’t in a good enough place, emotionally or to hear a painful truth.
Liars more often claim to tell lies so as to spare the other person from pain. Sometimes they really mean it. But they can also be using that as an excuse to get over a guilty conscience. We walk across the streets, see people holding hands, see marriages that have lasted seemingly forever and we assume that when two people manage to stay in a relationship for so long then there is complete honesty and transparency between them. The truth is different. Most couples who have managed to stay in a relationship for long are committed because they have not shared everything with their partners. In most cases it is a good idea to tell your partner what they want to hear. A fear always lingers in a relationship that if you tell everything, you might end up losing the person who means the world to you. After all, these relations are as delicate as a petal and can break with even the slightest breeze of mistrust.
The question that I always ask is do we need to know everything? When we hear that our partner has done something awful, broken our trust or cheated, how would we react? Are we capable of total and complete forgiveness if our partner did something terribly bad, but still has the courage to tell the truth? Is there any reason to bring things that are in the past or forgotten, out in open and risk everything?
Some people would prefer to be honest, especially women. But is it worth losing the love of your life for a stupid kiss that didn’t even mean anything? Moreover, kissing your ex, is it even cheating if it was a momentary thing without any feelings attached? Some things are best forgotten and withholding information from your partner in such cases would be the best solution. In a relationship at times, lying becomes a necessary evil. I’m not saying that you should lie always, but you should know when lying is ok and when it’s not.
In any relationship, people often lie to please themselves. It is very common for men to say, “I lied because I knew it was the best thing for you, I just wanted to save you from the pain of the bitter truth”. Usually we lie, not because we think good or bad about our partner, we just lie to avoid punishments, sorrows and to please ourselves. We lie to embellish our own credentials in order to make us feel better.
We always assume by default that people are saying the truth because we usually are not prepared to hear the truth. As long as we hear what we want to hear, we accept it, true or not. Truth sometimes has the capacity to be cruel and blow your world apart. Without these pretty white lies, we would all be sitting in the dark with the curtains drawn. Do not make confessions that will complicate your life!
Feedback
Thank you for the Sunday articles, they are rich with information and truth, well researched. May the Almighty bless you.
You really touched on a sensitive and controversial issue, but it was powerful. Yes, people do cheat and it’s a painful thing to discover especially when married. Handling the issue with care is important. Non-violent communication is vital.
Communication and being open to each other is the best way to go as anyone can be caught on the wrong side of cheating and everyone is capable of it! #fact
Mambo nyaya ye-cheating yamanyora mu-article yenyu iyo makwikwi, it depends nemoyo wemunhu kuti anga achida sei mumwe wake, vazhinji varipasi nenyaya idzodzo. Hatikwanise kuzvidzora pachiitiko chakadaro.
It’s absolutely true, everyone cheats sometimes. I love your articles they are true reflection of what’s happening in society.
Everyone cheats sometimes, you are spot on. Even the so-called men of the cloth cheat, so what more an ordinary person. It is unfortunate that most women pretend to be holier than thou, but they’ve got games which they play behind their partner’s backs. I would prefer a scenario where the party who is cheating, covers up and continues to love and respect her partner.
Men can be smart, but women act like babies whenever they find new love, leading to them being killed.
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