The Sunday News
Auntie Charity
THIS week I was asked to write about what makes a marriage work. I would like to write about what makes a successful marriage, but unfortunately, I do not know the answer. All I know is what a working marriage looks like, which is a different thing. The first thing to say about “happy marriages” is that I doubt there are many of them.
Frankly speaking, but it takes effort to make a marriage work. I suspect that those who stay together mostly argue as they have different opinions about children, money or they stay because of fear of loneliness. Some are truly and consistently happy, out of a fortunate combination of circumstance, rather than any particular brand of love or tactic. Most of the happy marriages I know are not about happiness or unhappiness, but accommodation and negotiation. I say that as half of a married couple in which both parties have probably made one another both happy and unhappy, probably in roughly equal measure, we are very different people, but then all people are very different and therein lies the central problem of marriage, which asks you to spend close company with one person for years on end I can only imagine how that can turn out to be.
This week we took time out discussing the possible “perfect marriage” and most people had a thousand ideas about what a perfect marriage is about and how married people can tackle marital problems so as to have a blissful marriage which I suppose only exists on our television screens because in real life nothing is perfect and nothing can satisfy a human being. I think the best way to build a happy and successful marriage is to do what works for you because we are all different and what works for me probably does not work for you so back to the subject.
Some would say the solution to all marital difficulties is honesty — always saying what is on your mind because that is the Truth, but I think this has become an excuse for disrespect and contempt, and these are the things that will cause disagreements rather than healing. True, people need to be able to express themselves freely to their partners, but this does not mean there is no room for diplomacy, at times what may feel “honest” at one moment, may feel irrelevant at another. Flattery, if that means complimenting your partner frequently, showing your affection regularly in symbolic or romantic ways, and bragging about her or him to others will get you everywhere. Please do not get me wrong I do not mean saying things that are not true, but focussing on the positive and building up credit in that emotional bank account makes a huge difference in how well your relationship will endure rockier times.
There is not a couple around today that doesn’t have some “BIG” issue that it cannot resolve. There are too many choices and options available today to assume they must all be agreed upon in each romantic partnership. We all have problems in our lives and in the midst of all problems there is always a solution. Once again, the issue is not the problem itself. It’s how couples learn to manage continuous problems over the long haul. This point is critical to understand because as in other areas of life, many problems stay with us a for a long time, some throughout the life span, what matters is how we cope when faced with problems. I mean, do we comfort or nurse each other’s experiences of frustration? Do we accept that there are some things that may never be perfect but know that we can keep trying anyway? Do we have enough good stuff in the bank to get us through? Well, I think it’s the quality of the dialogue, not the seeming seriousness of the problem itself that will predict the success of the marriage.
A marriage is a moving process, a living thing, and if it stops being fed with its rightful nutrients, it will take a knock. In our discussions I picked out three keys to marriage and they are all very difficult to counterfeit so you have to be original to make your marriage work. The first is communication, and good communication requires practice, goodwill, determination and a considerable amount of inborn or natured talent. The second is respect, which in many ways is more important than love. Love comes and goes, but respect endures, and provides the space for love to flow after everything subsides, which is bound to come in handy at all times. The third is trust and this is the hardest of all, because if you have ever been let down and we all have at some point, reconstructing the trust is difficult. This is not about infidelity, but many small matters like broken promises, bad intentions, and frustrated hopes. You have to trust, even though you have no guarantee you won’t be let down, and then, if you are let down, trust again, and then again and again. You must keep doing this as long as you are humanly able to, and your marriage will either stand or fall on it. This requires what I call the power of “forgettory” as opposed to memory. You need to forget and forget again about any perceived hurts and mistreatment. Dragging the weight of the past behind you will drag you down in the end.
Till next week let’s keep talking email [email protected]
