The Sunday News
Pastor Kilton Moyo
I KNOW that this is a touchy subject for many couples. I know for sure that others have divorced, separated or even done more seriously wrong things in trying to respond to this challenge.
All of us, at some point in our lives expect to hold our own babies. I mean this is a great desire for all of us but unfortunately not all will be able to.
When many people get into marriage, the desire is for babies. Whether this desire is right or wrong, this is not within the context of this article. My intention is to try and encourage those couples faced with this not to despair and fight each other over this.
There is always a way out of it as much as the Bible teaches in Romans 8:28 “For we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Your current situation could be serving a greater divine purpose which you do not see for now. Why not therefore, seek the divine intervention like the couples in the Bible did.
Sometimes we are too much in a hurry to satisfy the demands of our egos and cultural pressures without seeking first what God intends for us a couple. Remember marriage is of God and children are a gift from God. I believe that marriage is still marriage without children too. Children are a gift and a bonus from God to a marriage. When they are not there, we cannot destroy marriage. This does not make me blind to the suffering most couples are going through.
The pain
Infertility or childlessness can bring emotional reactions in both the woman and man. It brings feelings of guilt, sexual inadequacy and failure. Many couples begin to feel they are at fault or their partner is at fault and this leads to counter accusations. Often the couple feels isolated and misunderstood. In some cultures they are ashamed of being childless. You see, culture puts the couple under pressure. The man feels like he is not man enough and loses his self-esteem.
Such people then go to the extremes trying to appease their cultural expectations. In most cases, the woman is the victim.
Many women have been divorced or subjected to polygamy. Of course there are men who have been on the receiving end too.
They suffer shock, depression, anger, disappointment, anxiety and disruption of one’s plans and goals.
As I have said, some cultures believe that only women can be barren. In the event of infertility, no other proof is sought, the woman must just go. The woman then suffers double pain and humiliation. They are stigmatised and their condition used as mockery and all this is due to our ignorance of things.
A number of women in the Bible grieved because of barrenness. These include Hannah, Sarah, Rachel and Elizabeth. They were distressed by their conditions. Even today, infertility causes many parents grief and sorrow. The million dollar question is how do we handle this without compromising our marriages? Let me suggest to you a few things here.
What impresses me about the families in the Bible who experienced infertility is that they remained intact. They did not divorce or kill each other or blame each other. They kept their faith in God and at the right time their wombs opened. Today’s society longs for such husbands and wives who can stick together in marriage for better, for worse.
While it is shocking and depressing, do not let it destroy your marriage. Let marriage be what it is. The challenge is when we are willing to destroy this sanctuary because our expectations are not being met at our time.
Keep loving each other. Childlessness does not make you a lesser couple compared to others. You are still a great couple, if you could just understand that. You promised each other that it will be for better for worse and nothing else will separate you except death. Seek to know God’s plan for your marriage. It can help you overcome your stress.
See how the couples in the Bible dealt with it. Isaac actually prayed for his wife, Rebecca, to conceive. (Genesis 25:21). I long for such men of faith in our generation who can pray for their wives to conceive rather than put them to more shame. Elkanah stood by Hannah. Abraham and Sarah faced the challenge together until Isaac was born. I think your love for one another should supercede all other things, wants and needs. That is what marriage is about.
Contact your medical doctors. Some of these things are due to physiological challenges. It could be the wife with a challenge of this nature or it could be a man usually with a very weak sperm. Anything is possible. These days we do not have to do like they did in the past when we have so much medical knowledge around us. These things can be corrected. Infertility can also be a psychological thing and your doctors or counsellors can help you through it. It can be spiritual also. This is where prayer comes in. This is how our model couples in the Bible handled this. Hannah stayed in prayer. Sarah remained in faith despite that at some point she gave her maid to Abraham. Elizabeth remained faithful until she got it too. If these did it, it implies we can do it also.
Now what is the conclusion of this matter? Beloved, I do sympathise with you out there and I will pray for you but my plea is that infertility is no reason enough to end your marriage. Marriage is deeper than having children. Marriage is founded on love more than on gifts. Instead of fighting your spouse, co-operate with each other and walk the journey of love and faith and see God give you a miracle.
I know that some of you are under pressure from your relatives and even friends but please stop living your life to please others. You are still a complete and total man without children. You are still a complete and total woman without children. You can still fulfill your God-given mandate in your generation and above all you can still enjoy the best marriage you ever desired.
Kilton Moyo is the creator of Fruitful Marriages, a renewal and enrichment program and is pastor, counsellor and author of The Sex Trap. Call or whatsapp on +263 775337207, +263772610103 or +263 712384841. [email protected]
