SIS NOE: My husband only has sex when he is drunk

I MET a girl on Facebook and things have been great between us, we even went to Durban together and it was nice. She was everything I dreamt of. But now she only wants to see me when she wants something from me. Every time I am with her I see myself spending. She doesn’t like my clothes and my opinions. I think I annoy her. — Help.

Reply
I suspect she thoroughly enjoyed the flirting and the thrill of the chase, but as soon as you met, the spell was broken. Your girlfriend now sees that you are a normal person, not a fantasy figure. But you have every right to dress and speak as you please — don’t feel you have to change to meet her expectations. I hate the idea of this woman crushing your confidence and leaving you confused and upset, so I suggest you give yourself a good, long break from this relationship in order to clear your mind and think about yourself and your needs. Tell her today that you need some space, and don’t allow yourself to be anyone’s fool. And you are not an ATM machine. If she doesn’t work she should ask her parents to buy her stuff.

Hi Sis Noe
How do I make my friend believe that her boyfriend obviously has another woman? She says she trusts him, but he is never around. I have never known a person to work as much as he does. Whether it’s holidays or weekends, it seems he is always busy. He is always disappearing for days on end, and when he is with her he takes her to a hotel. This behaviour is so suspicious, but she trusts him. — Cheated.

Reply
Clearly, your friend is so desperate to cling on to her boyfriend that she will turn the other cheek or fall for any line he throws her. I suspect that in her heart, she knows that he is playing games. But if she is not willing to admit the truth to herself or give up on him yet, you have to step back. I understand that it’s upsetting to watch her making mistakes, but it’s her choice to live this way — even if you have to pick up the pieces later on. Make no mistake — you will pick up the pieces but don’t tell her you told her so. That would be cold.

Hi Sis Noe
My husband only has sex with me when he is drunk. He never makes love to me when he is sober. I have asked why he does it and he says I am very beautiful to him when he is drunk. I crave normal love. I am tired of this. — Worried.

Reply
It’s vital that you talk to your partner, away from the bedroom and when he is stone-cold sober, about how much he is hurting you. He has to understand that you have your dignity and your own needs, and these simply are not being considered. If drink gives him confidence, suggest some early nights and try getting back to basics. But if he is really not bothered about your feelings and thinks that excessive alcohol affords him the right to behave any way he likes, I suggest you talk seriously about where this relationship is headed. Walking away would be an option but let it be the last option.

Hi Sis Noe
My live-in girlfriend likes going through my phone and laptop. The other day I found her going through my personal letters and I am finding this upsetting. I believe I have a right to privacy. But it seems she is ignorant of that. — Upset.

Reply
Your nosy girlfriend needs to understand that this is not a joke. You and she are now living together in an adult relationship, and there need to be boundaries and mutual respect. Sit her down and explain that her snooping is intrusive and has to stop. If she is feeling insecure, paranoid about you contacting other women, reassure her that you are open and honest and can be trusted. But if she shows no sign of getting the message, and you fear that she is already becoming clingy, suspicious and unreasonable, then maybe you need to re-examine the future of this whole relationship. You have a right to privacy. She has no right to go through your phone.

Hi Sis Noe
I am pregnant but I don’t know who the father is. I have been having sex with my husband and my taxi driver. I don’t know what to do. — Worried.

Reply
I am sure you don’t want to move in with this taxi driver but there is a possibility he is the father. I bet he has never given you any signs that he wants to be with you and in fact, he is just seeing you for sex. You may want him to be the father and assume he will step up to his responsibilities because you are having great sex. But I can guarantee you that he won’t see the relationship like that. If you have been having regular sex with your partner and occasional sex with your lover, then the chances are your husband is the father, on the law of averages. But you won’t know for sure until the baby is born and you should have a DNA test, if that is what you want to do. The honest thing would be to tell your husband that you have been cheating, but I get the impression you won’t do that. Instead you will just wait and see what happens, which is like burying your head in the sand.

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