The Sunday News
Nhlalwenhle Ncube
IF there is one thing tormenting many people’s hearts, it’s this thing called a cellphone. Given a choice, some people would rather have phoneless partners.
Of course we have always heard of broken relationships following the information found on these cellphones. Anyway that’s a topic for another day, today I am talking of the pain some people are going through because of their partners who do not use these phones to communicate with them.
It is heartbreaking to have a partner who never phones or sends you messages. Surprisingly when you watch him when he is home, he is always busy with his phone. You begin to wonder who are those special and lucky people because when it comes to you, even when he is away you do not even get a single call or message. Such behaviour really tortures the heart!
The truth is, we have all gotten pretty used to being at each other’s beck and call 24/7. Texting allows people to be in constant contact with those they love and realising you are not on someone’s top list of those he communicates with is painful. Lots of people spend a ridiculous number of hours on phones, so it is difficult to have a partner who does not communicate on the phone. They make you anxious and hurt because you can not ignore the thought that you are not important to them. Worse when he begins this bad habit after marriage, you can’t ignore the thought that you are just a place holder and nothing important. Everyone needs a partner who is always in touch, updating and checking on her. Communication plays a big part in any relationship.
Some people can try and justify themselves claiming they are just like that, the phone business is not their thing. No one can believe this, why is it that when you were campaigning and on first days of relationship, you used your phone to achieve your mission. Continue doing what is good and this business of ignoring calls and texts must stop. No reasons can justify this and the person on the receiving end has every reason to have negative conclusions.
When you feel ignored, it is easy for one to allow anxiety and imaginations to run wild and invent all the things that could be going wrong. In the absence of information, one often make assumptions and more often than not, those assumptions are hurtful and negative. When your partner does not respond, it is easy for you to succumb to anxiety and hurt and start to story tell. This storytelling often does more harm!
Then there’s the practicality factor. How are you supposed to choose something or figure out what he wants for supper if he doesn’t respond. From a more reasonable, day to day standpoint, your partner not texting you back may mean that you can’t make plans, or don’t know where you will be going or what you will be doing. Obviously, this can cause some frustration because it’s affecting your life.
So, what should you do if bae is being unresponsive over text? Phone him. However, if this becomes an ongoing issue, bring it up with your partner. Discuss it with them without forcing them to defend themselves. Get curious and tell them how it affects you. You can be surprised that there are some who take such things lightly, even if he sees your missed call he ignores, only to ask upon arrival at home what you wanted. This is definitely a wrong way to operate. If he doesn’t want to use his cellphone talking with you, better he throws it away so he does not create unnecessary tension at home.
At times you and your partner may very well have different texting habits, too. One study found that people who reported having texting habits that mirror their partners reported greater overall relationship satisfaction. It didn’t matter how often they were texting, how long their texts were, or what tone they texted in — it simply mattered that both partners were in sync in their texting behaviours. So if you find that you and your significant other aren’t really on the same page with texting and it’s causing you a lot of frustration, then you may want to express this to him. Tell him he needs to text and phone you because it makes you happy. Do not just complain. The best way to encourage them to change their behaviour is to explain how much it would mean to you or how happy it would make you (rather than focusing on how their current behaviour is frustrating). If your partner knows how important it is to you that they get back to you in a timely manner, they’ll hopefully make it a priority. At the end of the day, there’s not much a little verbal communication can’t overcome.
The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising. Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.
The silent treatment, even if it’s brief, activates the part of the brain that detects physical pain.
The phone silent treatment is ‘‘tremendously’’ damaging to a relationship. It decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy and reduces the capacity to communicate in a way that’s healthy and meaningful. Being noticed is so close to being loved, that sometimes they feel the same!
