The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
MY problem is that I discovered that she is married, she likes meeting me in hidden places and during the night. But she insists that she loves me and wants to be with me. — Cheated.
Here is the hard cold truth: she is using you for sex and the emotional support she is not getting at home. It’s that simple. Further, she doesn’t have the decency to be a good wife to her husband because she is immature. She meets you in secluded places and at night because she does not want to be discovered. If she was to divorce her husband to be with you — frankly, why should she do that? She is only interested in you for what you are giving her — she would still be the same liar she is now.
The only difference is that she would be lying to you instead of her husband. Her lies are going to come back to bite you as well. Believe me, her husband is not the only one that is being deceived.
I can assure you that she is lying to you too about something. What about her relationship with her husband? What exactly does she get from it? Is he wealthy and does she get the benefit of his money? You see, love would compel her to move away from all of this, and that is the last problem I am going to bring to light for you — she doesn’t love you. If she did, she would be rushing headlong to a divorce lawyer so that she could have you entirely.
Right now, she doesn’t need to because she is not in love with you. I can tell that you want more from this relationship, not only the sex. I am sorry to say that you are not going to get it. Leave her before someone gets hurt.
Hi Sis Noe
I am 36, married to a 36-year-old and we have been together for 16 years and have children, he is a caring and loving husband and father.
My problem with him is that I am not getting enough of him, not that I suspect anything, just that I am more active and most of the time he does not satisfy me, not that I am comparing him with any man as he claims when we discuss the issue.
He is the only man I have slept with in my life, I am now forced to masturbate even while he is watching, he has never commented. I feel sexually starved. — Help.
If it makes you feel any better, your situation is common. I know several women in the same boat. But that’s not really helping, is it? It’s easy to get into a rut when you have been bonking the same person for years.
You reach a point where you can almost predict each other’s moves. “Okay, he is kissing my neck, next comes the breasts, then he will put his hand between my legs.” I’m not going to give you the old speech about cranking it up or trying new styles because you have already tried that.
In your husband’s defence, I will remind you that women are complicated, and pleasing them in bed generally takes more work than pleasing a man. Well, maybe work is the wrong word; more like skill, patience, selflessness, and most importantly, effort — effort is key.
You have done your part to solve the problem; is he doing his? Has he read books on sex, listened to your suggestions and tried them? If he is not even trying after you spelled it out for him, then pleasing you is just not important to him. Maybe he thinks that since he is happy with the status quo, you should be too.
Or maybe he is just not interested anymore, and the lousy sex is a symptom of a much larger problem. If he is trying but still failing, if he is all thumbs and teeth and slobber, that is not good, either, but at least he is trying. You have told him what you want and you will probably have to tell him again.
He should improve with some practice. Sex takes effort, but it is not rocket science, especially when your partner gives you pointers. I think anyone can become a better lover with enough education and practice and desire to get it right. If he never gets better, whether by choice or ineptitude (also a choice), then you have to decide if you can live with a mediocre sex life, which really means living with a husband who won’t do his part to satisfy you.
Obviously, sex is only one aspect of a marriage. He may be a great husband in every other way. You have to ask yourself if his good qualities make the bad ones tolerable. No one is perfect, after all. We all have our weaknesses. It’s just a shame when a partner’s weakness is one that could be fixed with a little bit of effort. Everyone deserves a good orgasm or three.
Hi Sis Noe
I have a serious problem that is now affecting my relationship. I am a lady aged 24 and my boyfriend and I want a baby, we have been trying for it but as soon as he ejaculates I feel his sperms passing out of me again. Please help, I am worried. — Worried.
Sperm leakage from the vagina is normal and to be expected when there is enough of the ejaculate. Sperm leakage means there is enough of the ejaculate.
Most women notice some discharge immediately after sex and some think it’s the cause of infertility. The fluid coming out of the vagina after his orgasm is a portion of the ejaculate. But less than 5 percent of the ejaculate is actually sperm — over 95 percent is made up of other fluids.
Leakage of the ejaculate from the vagina is highly unlikely to prevent you from getting pregnant. In fact, it’s totally normal for some of the ejaculate to come out of your vagina after intercourse.
If he ejaculates deeply inside you, then you can be sure that no matter how much of the ejaculate leaks out afterward, enough sperm will reach the cervical mucus. This leakage of the ejaculate is usually not a cause of infertility. It is probably a good sign that some ejaculate leaks out because it may mean that he is depositing his semen normally in your vagina and that there is enough of it.
Hi Sis Noe
I am married with one child and my husband has one of his own from his previous marriage. We stay away from each other because he is having an affair, he no longer has an erection when with me even though he says he loves me. I feel like I am now a widow, what should I do? — Worried.
Cheating and marital problems that caused it or developed because of it can actually cause erectile problems. For many men out there, erectile dysfunction is not a result of any health problem with their body.
Instead it is the result of emotional or psychological problems they are experiencing — the discovery of his cheating; the fights and the separation have a negative impact on him.
Stress is a huge factor when it comes to erectile dysfunction. It can be hard to concentrate on the enjoyment of sexual activities when you have too much on your plate.
Some men feel that there is too much pressure on them to perform sexually especially when they want to win back the love of the one they wronged. As a result of that they have too much anxiety about how they will perform in the eyes of the other person. Such expectations can result in erectile dysfunction. If you scolded him and made him feel bad, he would have lost the confidence in his abilities to satisfy you.
Being completely worn down can result in erectile dysfunction. Some people view this as a physical problem but it doesn’t always fit that profile. It is possible for a man to be mentally exhausted. This is most common when a serious situation has taken place. In this case the cheating, the discovery and he separation.
I will tell you what to do to win your husband back and to make him have an erection. Stop telling him off for what he did. Sit him down and give him a piece of your mind clearly. It’s not nagging. It’s a reality-check. Tell him that you still love him and that you have forgiven him for his cheating.
If you have said it before say it again. A one-off discussion is not enough. My guess is that your husband is terribly scared. He is scared about his health, about his sexuality, about his self-esteem and status as a man. He is also scared about the implications of his cheating on his marriage with you.
Unconsciously, he has also picked up your restlessness. Consciously, he is aware of your resentment. Foolishly he is burying his head in the sand, which of course only inflames the situation.
So when you talk to him, tell him you are in this together. Tell him this is not a question of blame, but of finding out the truth, so that the problem can be dealt with. Tell him you want your marriage not only to continue, but to continue with love and dignity and kindness and respect. All you owe your husband, your marriage and yourself, is clarity.