The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I RECENTLY discovered that my boyfriend of five years has been married for close to 10 years. He met my parents and knows all my friends. I have even met his relatives and friends. I love him so much but I am heart-broken. I feel cheated but at the same time I believe what we had was real. — Cheated.
Reply
You cannot blame yourself. If your ex-partner was a practised liar, taking great care to cover his tracks and deceive you, how were you supposed to second-guess he had a secret life? It’s possible he got a huge kick out of juggling two women, and it made him feel powerful and desirable. But that’s not relevant now. The most important thing is to pick yourself up from this massive disappointment and bounce back. Forget about any form of revenge or attempting to engage with his wife or children — and certainly don’t have anything more to do with him. Rely on trusted friends to get you through this tricky time and you will emerge stronger and wiser.
Hi Sis Noe
I am single and being pursued by my ex-boyfriend. We didn’t break up because he did something but because our sex life was pathetic. We used to have sex just once a month. Besides that he was great. He did everything I wanted and he treated me like a queen. I don’t know whether I should go back to such a man. Sex is important to me. — Worried.
Reply
It seems to me that you have already made your decision and this ex is staying an ex. Just before you do start looking at all those other fish in the sea, let me ask a few questions. Have you ever actually told this man, who you really like and fancy, that you have a problem with his libido? If he is truly fabulous, maybe it would be worth seeing a specialist counsellor. On the other hand, there are few things more humiliating than having to talk someone into having sex with you. It’s very hard to keep the passion burning when you feel your partner is doing you a favour. Whoever you go out with, things will eventually end up with more of an emphasis on companionship than crazy nights in the bedroom, but I suppose you don’t want to face that reality immediately. Fair enough. Balancing a love life with a life of love is not easy for any couple and I am sure many people reading your letter will be screaming at you to grab this man with both hands, but the point is that you are not ready. If you are not completely certain then leave this man’s heart alone. I just hope that by the time you are happy to settle for evenings of snuggles and hand-holding there is a hand out there to hold.
Hi Sis Noe
I have been in love with a man who cheats on me a lot but I can’t break up with him. He treats me well, he showers me with gifts but he is a serial cheat. He tells me to be patient with him because he will eventually change. — Cheated.
Reply
I wonder what you want me to say — that, despite everything, this exciting feeling he gives you is worth it — you know it is not. The reason he still makes you feel like this, after all this time, is because you never know where you stand with him. It is a feeling of hope, not a sign of a soulmate. You seem terribly kind, you want to say the right thing, and you want to be fair: but I think you need to start getting angry. Is this man a bad person? Probably not wholly, which is what makes him so attractive: you keep trying to sieve out the good bits, the gold among the silt, but it is not enough, is it? What is clear is that he is not a good partner and he makes a mess wherever he goes. Don’t be the person to clean up after him. Run for the hills while you still can.
Hi Sis Noe
What is the best cleaning method for a healthy, clean and fresh vagina? What can I use? — Worried.
Reply
Contrary to what you have been told, the vagina does not need you to spend money on cleaning and douching products for it to be clean and fresh. And you certainly do not need scented panty liners and perfumes to keep it fresh. Vaginas are largely self-cleansing and you interfering with that process can cause problems because you can irritate the vagina, leading to conditions like thrush. If you do have a problem (such as infection) then spraying or washing may mask these, worsen existing symptoms, or delay you seeking treatment. If you have heard someone or read an article telling you that you need to clean out your vagina, you have my permission to ignore them. However, if you have noticed any discharge that is unusual for you; have unexplained bleeding; genital, stomach or bowel pain; or sex is painful then you should seek medical attention to be sure there is no problem that needs treatment. The best way to care for your vagina is to avoid washing it internally, or using any heavily perfumed products inside you. Herbal medicines to take orally or insert vaginally at best do nothing — but at worst could cause irritation or allergic reactions. So you don’t need them either.
