The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
MY husband and I have been together for about a year-and-a-half now and we have a two-month old son. Now the thing is he has been having an affair and ended up impregnating the girl two times. Fortunately or unfortunately she has been having miscarriages. We fought and made up after he apologised and promised not to do it again, but now he has done it again with another girl. Another thing is that if he sees me with another man or receiving phone calls he freaks out, but I am genuine. So is this marriage really worth staying for? What about my son?
Reply
You need to accept the fact that some things never change and one of those things is your husband. He is a cheat and he will remain one for the foreseeable future. Your crying with snot freely flowing down your nose with your hair messed up is not going to change him. Yes, he will be sorry for you finding out about his bed hopping but he will never regret the actual act of bedding other women. It’s a disease that he does not want to be cured because your finding out by now should have seen him amending his ways. Of course he will be jealous of you because naturally cheats are jealous of their partners; they fear that you might be cheating on them like they are to you.
The marriage is a farce and you are better off without him. Your son will go with you because he is still too young, that is if you decide to leave him. Threats that he won’t allow you to take his son will not wash because the mother is the one who nurses the baby; the law is on your side on this one. But leaving him does not mean he has no right to his son, he has a right to see him and to contribute to his upkeep. I know that in a way you kick yourself for finding out about his cheating but know that it is in your right to know what is happening, so you can decide whether you do in fact love this person. Carefully examine this and understand how this has emotionally impacted you and how it has affected the relationship.
Don’t just blindly love him unconditionally, that mentality under such circumstances is for suckers. Look at this for what it really is, a breach of your trust. Then enter into a discussion with him, explain what you know, what you heard and how it makes you feel. Don’t be afraid to not love him. That’s right; didn’t it piss you off that everyone seemed to know about this except you? You had to find out the hard way.
Stick up for yourself, determine if things are going to drastically change, and if you are unsatisfied with what you are hearing, cut him loose and move on. That level of confidence will most likely inspire you be attracted to more stable relationships. No kidding. By weakly accepting such transgressions, you indirectly ask for this type of treatment. Turn that around by taking control and being more confident, your future relationships will turn out for the better.
Hi Sis Noe
I am in a relationship with a beautiful widow who lost her husband six years ago. I love her but my problem is that she is not over her husband, she is always talking about him. What can I do to make her stop? — Worried.
Reply
She must also have been very young when her husband died and looking after her two children who had lost their father, as well as coping with her own grief must have been incredibly difficult. When you lose someone you love, you not only lose that person but also the relationship that you had with them, which was special and unique. I’m not sure one ever “gets over” the loss of a loved one, more that you gradually learn to live with it.
Even then there are always unexpected reminders — perhaps hearing a favourite song, visiting somewhere that you had enjoyed together and waking up on Christmas morning without them. These memories can trigger moments of intense grief and it’s as if you are back at square one.We can’t hurry grief but there comes a time when we have to let go of the sadness we are feeling and try to move on. It has been six years now and it does feel as if she is stuck somewhere in the grieving process — maybe because she feels angry with God or fate for snatching away the man she loved. Perhaps also she feels depressed or guilty or disloyal if she allows herself to fall in love again.
Hi Sis Noe
I am 24 years old, he is 26, I can’t get enough of sex. I do reach orgasm but each time he touches me I get turned on. It’s embarrassing because I even ask for sex after three sessions. I never had this problem with my previous partners. I am afraid that he might think that I am loose or cheap. — Worried.
Reply
Fear not my child, for you are what most men want. Your boyfriend is one lucky man and I believe he knows that unless he is one of those old- fashioned men who believe that a woman should not be adventurous. There is no need for you to be embarrassed by your high sex drive, it’s perfectly normal. And stop saying it’s a problem, it’s not a problem.
Hi Sis Noe
I am caught in-between, my husband was having an affair with two of my best friends, one of them told me about it, now my husband hates my best friend so much that he does not want me to be friends with her anymore. He claims he broke up with them, I am not convinced. What should I do? — Help.
Reply
By wanting to still be friends with the “friend” who confessed I guess you are a forgiving person. I admire that but you need to understand that your ‘‘best friend’’ did not damage your Blackberry phone; she slept with your husband. Your friend’s disclosure and promise that it won’t happen again allowed you to forgive her, but you don’t know if she is really shameful, or if she thinks of their tryst as a secretly thrilling interlude.
In short this “friend” should not be on your friends’ list, delete her and be in the company of people who value and respect you. I probably would have to say that these people are not your best friends. A friend who loves you would have at the very least thought out what she was about to do before she took that very giant leap of sleeping with their ‘‘best friend’s’’ spouse. The same goes for him. A true friend would not have even contemplated it.
It would have been off her radar. That’s why I’m saying at the very least, they could have stopped themselves and said this is not a good idea. I understand that mistakes happen, that people are flawed, but these are not two people I would be able to trust together or separately. And without trust, what kind of relationship would you really be able to have? As for your husband, it is up to you to forgive him. But you should not let him off the hook that easily, he needs to feel the pain you felt, he needs to acknowledge that he was wrong.
If you are looking to rebuild trust, know that it takes a long time to heal from adultery, especially when it is this close. I would cut the friend out of my life completely and then work on building the relationship again with my spouse in therapy. You will not be able to do this alone because there are reasons why he felt that it was okay to even do this to you and you need to discover what they are in the safety of a therapist’s office. Otherwise you may never be able to get to the truth. He should be willing to do that if he wants to save your marriage.
Dateline
I am a 30-year-old HIV-negative man based in Bulawayo. I enjoy adventure, which is why I am looking for an older woman of any age; they should also be HIV-negative, spontaneous and prepared to have a nice time.
I am a young lady aged 21, with two kids. I am looking to make friends of both sexes aged between 19 and 25.
Good day Sis, please link me with a lady aged between 30 and 35 years, I am a guy aged 32, based in Bulawayo and HIV-negative, with one kid.
