The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I have been married for three years but a few weeks ago I had sex with my neighbour. I feel so ashamed and guilty for defiling my marriage. I want to confess to my husband. — Help.
Reply
My greatest concern is that you have not severed ties with this adulterous man. Any act of sex is an act of bonding — not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You did not tell me that you have broken up with him so allow me to assume that you have not communicated that to him. He most likely believes you will do it again.
Unless you wake up to the danger, you will easily slip back into the affair. The truth is that the greatest damage was not done to your husband, but to yourself. You proved yourself to be unfaithful. You willingly became the wrecker of your own marriage, and all for a few minutes of sex. It will be hard to look in the mirror. It will be hard to remain committed to your husband when you cheated on him.
You need to sever all ties with this foolish man, but more importantly you need to repair your marriage. You have lost your love for your husband and you should desperately want it back. You should work at showing your husband in everything you do how you appreciate him. Make a hard fast rule for yourself not to be alone with other men — period. Should you tell your husband? Perhaps, though it will be very hard. You’ve already demonstrated infidelity once. Having it proven twice will be even more difficult. One aspect of love is that it bears all things.
You will be asking him to bear a terribly large burden. He might not be willing to accept it. He would be within his rights to demand a divorce. You must remain faithful to your vows to prove yourself changed. If you decide to tell him do so knowing that you are willing to face whatever consequences. A marriage is built on trust.
You have undermined it by your past actions. Telling your husband about the adultery will further undermine his trust of you. If you remain only weakly committed to leaving the sin of adultery, your husband ought to know to protect himself and any children involved. If you manage to totally and firmly change, then demonstrate it in your commitment to your marriage. If you have truly left this man and you are committed to your husband then there is no need to bring up your past sins. Bringing it up will not help your husband or enhance your marriage.
Hi Sis Noe
My husband is 20 years older than me. I love him very much. He is weak in bed and does not satisfy me and I end up sleeping with other men to get satisfied. — Starving.
Reply
You don’t say how long you have been married but could you be suffering from marriage shock? This is thought to be the panic that sets in when, after marrying, you realise the impact of this choice and decision, and so you reach out almost in denial of having given yourself up.
It could kick in one week after marrying or even a few years into the marriage. You say your emotional relationship is strong, but you don’t say how long you have been together. Your husband is older than you and has always been — he has not changed in that respect. You don’t give much detail here and so it’s difficult to give much advice. I suggest you stop opening your legs for other men, sit down with your husband and address the problems in your marriage. It is selfish of you to seek sexual gratification from others when you have a man. You knew very well that this man was 20 years older than you. Deal with it.
Hi Sis Noe
I have been having sex for a long time with my boyfriend but I failed to get pregnant. I went to the doctor and I was told that I was infertile. Now I don’t know what is going on, I am scared that my boyfriend will think the baby is not his. — Worried.
Reply
Why have you decided not to tell anyone? Perhaps you could speak to friends and family and ask them to help you out in the situation. You will need a good support mechanism around you in order to cope. Why do you feel he is not going to be there for you? You can never know how he will react until you tell him. Tell him and he may surprise you.
Hi Sis Noe
My husband looks at other women even when I am with him. I am worried that I am no longer attractive to him. — Worried.
Reply
The sad truth is most men ogle at other women, even if they are with someone. Annoying as it is to women, they can’t seem to help it. Do you think he will act on it? If you do then there is a problem, but if not then there is little you can do about it. Women are attracted to others just the same as men even when married, however, we are more subtle about it than them. Every time you see someone you think is attractive, think about how you could make more out of it but you don’t, compare this to how many times he openly shows his attraction to someone and you will probably be on par. Remember biology we can’t avoid, infidelity we can.
But you are right to feel upset about this as I can imagine any woman would. You should not feel that you are to blame as if the shoe was on the other foot I am sure that he would not approve. You should not compare yourself to these women, you are the woman he married and I am sure there were woman who looked as they do now back when you first got together. As women we always see the more attractive ones around us and compare.
He chose you. Try not to think about everyone else around you and think about what would make you feel better as a woman, and do it! Is it a new set of LINGERIE, or a new outfit, a night out with the girls? Men are drawn to confidence and if you are feeling a little low about yourself then this may be why he is looking at other women. Remind him why he married you and bring out your best side again. He won’t look away if you are captivating his attention. If you pretend that you don’t care who he looks at then he will probably do it less. If you make a big deal out of it, he is getting a rise out of you, don’t let him!
