The Sunday News
HEARTBREAKS are like one big emotional pain but also seem to spark off hundreds of other emotions that can be triggered by a number of things. We hate the feeling of heartbreaks yet we find ourselves compelled to go over and over memories, ideas or fantasies, which make the feeling worse.
After being involved in a car accident, one of the first things people are concerned with is getting medical attention for any physical injuries.
Getting your physical injuries taken care of should, indeed, be your top priority, but people too often overlook taking care of the psychological trauma that can come with being in a car accident.
Psychological damage is every bit as important as physical damage, especially when one is left with a scar for life.
This week our hearts on fire is about one of our readers who lost his legs in an accident and has had difficulties moving on and eight years later he is still in pain. Here is his story:
I was travelling from Harare, where I worked and was excited about visiting my family and little did I know that on that fateful day I was going to end up in a wheelchair. Most of you remember the 2008 era and my mother had called countless times telling me how things were and how she missed having bread for breakfast. Being in the capital, where most of the things were at reach I was looking forward to seeing her smile as she had bread for breakfast the next day.
I had travelled some kilometres and the last thing I remember is seeing the “Welcome to Kwekwe” sign before I found my car under a semi-truck on the highway. I remember a sickening bang with metal grinding against metal and the safety bar being rammed against my knees. I looked at my hands and there was blood everywhere. At first there was no pain, just numbness. I was trapped in the car, crushed under the weight of the semi-truck I ran into. I have absolutely no memory of the accident or what ultimately led to the collision. Only pieces of information gleaned from accident scene photos and the police report.
I am still so dazed and confused that something like that could happen to me. You do what you can in life, you follow the rules, you do not do anything wrong and then, bam, something completely out of the blue rips the rug from underneath you and you find yourself in a wheelchair. I have no memory of being in the crash itself and I will never really know what happened but one thing I do know is that I am lucky to be alive and all I can remember is the pain that was so severe I did not even have the energy to scream. At that point my heart stopped beating and all I wanted was to just be at home.
Everyday I am more grateful for life, but there are still times when I feel a wrench of loss, when it is a celebration day and everyone is dancing, I want to dance with them.
Days are not the same, though it has been eight years I sometimes feel a massive stabbing pain again on my legs. I sometimes long to walk and be able to touch my legs and be dependent on myself but it is not possible, there are times when I want to just touch them and lotion them and imagine how I walked each time I took a step. I just feel a desperate sadness and that desperate longing, an overwhelming urge to want to walk, but sadly I can never walk again.
It has been a difficult time for me and my family and I remember my mother coming to the hospital when I was discharged and I could see the pain in her eyes. She spoke to me, but we were both in a lot of pain and I had to keep my head at a funny angle because I was avoiding her eyes. I just wanted to take her in my arms and hold her, but I could not because I was pinned on my seat by the metal against my legs and the seat safety bar over my shoulders.
I cannot really remember what we talked about, but I just tried to keep her positive, I told her that the nurses and doctors were great, too, in keeping my spirits up. At that time when I was having that talk with her I was trying to assure myself as well as my mother and throughout our conversation we just tried to remain calm and stay clean of tears.
Each time I was in pain I had two paracetamols to control the pain. When I got home I wanted to lock myself in my room and have some alone time and listen to the pain as my legs were really hurting, so I could not stay for more than about ten minutes without a wince. I wanted to be by myself and cry as I was going through a lot of emotions.
I had not heard anything from my then girlfriend for some time and I was wondering where she was and what had happened to her but I did not want to be the first to make a call to her, I was hoping she would be the first to make contact and check up on me. I wanted to talk to her about my legs and tell her it would not change anything, but I never really got the chance because she left me at my time of need and I never heard from her.
My whole life was shattered and my heart was broken when my worst nightmare had been confirmed, she had left me and I had no legs. I had lost the two significant things in my life. Being stuck in this chair has moved to a dreadful longing and missing and sadness. I miss being able to talk to a partner who really cares about me, I feel so alone.
I used to be so organised, so in control, always on the run and taking care of things but now I feel limited. Some of my darkest moments have been at night when everyone is sleeping, trying to come to terms with everything that happened, from the trauma of the crash, the nightmares, my girlfriend leaving me, the feeling of being trapped and the screams of my sister when she first saw me and being unable to comfort her.
I remember one night the pain was unbearable, I just wanted to die. I have spent years torturing myself looking for reasons that would have made the outcome different. If I had gone home earlier or later, taken another road, but through counselling I now know that this was not my fault. Physically everyday is a struggle. I have days when I cannot function with pain. My left leg requires more surgery because I have even failed to get any aid on my legs and the effort of learning to walk again was not only challenging, but excruciating and I had to make peace and accept that artificial legs were not made for me.
I remember sitting next to a friend recently, saying, I am so scared, I do not know what the future holds for me because I am at a point in my life where I want to have a family and depend less on calling my mother, I can do things for myself and make my way to work everyday but it is not the same. I have suddenly gained titles I cannot relate to as I am mostly described by my disability and some women do not take kindly to my trying my luck on them.
Whoever would have thought I would end up in a wheelchair.
I know it is easier said than done but we can make something out of our heartbreaks and share our stories.
Email [email protected] and share your story, till next week.
