The Sunday News
WHENEVER a couple formalises their relationship, it comes with joy and at the same time pressure from relatives as they begin to have certain expectations.
The minute you tie the knot, people start counting months for you and after about two to three months, you begin to have weird comments on pregnancy.
Some people rush to conclude that you are pregnant whenever they see you wearing baggy clothes. During the first months, you manage to laugh off their comments, knowing that they seeing illusions. Months will turn into years and thereafter comments on pregnancy become insults because deep down you will be knowing that you are trying hard to have children, but failing.
Jokes meant to remind you that are childless will come from all corners hurting you. Infertility is something out of control and for some women they suffer second infertility. It is when you managed to have one child and thereafter all your efforts to have a second born hit a brick hall. This is really heartbreaking!
Women with secondary infertility do not usually get much sympathy as people insult them indirectly not knowing that it’s not by choice as well.
Such women get double trouble as they feel guilty on two fronts, failing to give their child a sibling and their husband a second born. It’s even worse when you are in a relationship with someone else who is not your baby’s father. No matter how he loves your child, he still expects his.
As many might think, having a child already doesn’t make going through infertility any easier. One of the biggest challenges is wondering if you will ever get the larger family you want. Worrying about what will happen next robs you of your happiness.
It is sad that infertility threatens relationships as it brings doubt, despair and confusion of which if not handled carefully results in heartbreaks. Unfortunately this is something out of control and that fact, makes it a difficult issue to handle.
Dealing with infertility is not easy for couples. It throws many challenges at them. It plagues their feelings for one another and none of these challenges are easy to overcome.
Infertility is neither easy for men as well because the society considers real men to be those with children and those in childless marriages got no dignity. A man in such a scenario gets to be confused, not sure where the problem is coming from. He would initially have hoped that his situation would change at some point, but when that does not happen, he begins to question his manhood. A man who is unable to impregnate a woman will feel less of a man. He will feel inferior among his fellow men as some of them also taunt him with his challenge.
They get to be disappointed in life and even turn against their wives, blaming them for the problem because of the pressure from family and friends.
When such a man sees his colleagues’ children growing, he will experience a mixture of feelings, such as pity for himself or jealousy staying around those who have children. Men without children end up not wanting to be around children. It reminds them of their inability and they begin to doubt themselves.
Many men would exercise patience with their wives, trusting God that things will change, but given the cultural pressure to get married, they become psychologically unsettled. Our cultural setting doesn’t help matters. If a man gets married and doesn’t have children, people will start taunting him.
It is then important to surround yourself with supportive people when going through infertility and miscarriage issues. Even people who have gone through it may be of great help around you and your partner. You have to be open and talk about it.
You have to work through it, because those emotions can really bring you down. Couples battling infertility have to be careful not to get involved in the blame game for their challenge as it will destroy their relationship. When you are battling with something out of your control, like infertility, you really need to rely on someone who loves you to become your rock.
If not handled carefully, you will realise that you and your partner become more of roommates and nothing else.
Even after trying different things such as herbal mixtures, drugs and fertility injections without any success, never lose hope and make sure you enjoy each other’s company.
It is unfortunate that some men are in the habit of shifting all blame to women, reminding them that it is their fault. With infertility, it can either be the man or woman. It is not always about one side!
Of course having children is one of life’s greatest adventures, but it must not define your relationship. No one was married to be a “baby” machine but it happened out of love. So let it be, baby or without baby, let love and happiness flourish.
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