The Sunday News
Nhlalwenhle Ncube
LIFE will always have some complications. Being madly in love with someone does not mean you are satisfied and happy in all other areas of your life. One of the hurting issues is being a mismatch in the bedroom.
The thought of failing each other in bed always takes away the joy. You try to be strong and pretend to be happy, but it haunts and eats you slowly. Worse, it’s a problem you cannot just tell people, even those assumed to be close to you. Some call it a “take to the grave” secret.
So many marriages and relationships have broken down because of sexual discord, where in simple terms it can be described as “it can’t”.
Most times outsiders are left in a dilemma trying to understand reasons behind the breakup, but remain in darkness as parties involved always prefer to be mum about their sexual life and just give excuses which will not be good enough to justify the divorce.
Sexual incompatibility is one of the worst things to happen to a couple.
Who needs a husband or wife who then turns to be one of her siblings. Truth be told, no one needs to be sex starved. But when you are a mismatch in between the sheets, you become heartbroken.
Sex is not just for fun, but it has got a lot of benefits and it’s a special thing. Just imagine wasting nights talking instead of doing night business.
Nothing good comes out of this besides cheating and being cheeky. It is even worse for women because when they complain, their partners take it as an insult and it affects their ego.
The same woman who is forced to ignore the issue and act as if everything is fine, she suffers a lot as she gets to be called names. Some will say she is barren while others call her a gold digger who does not want to have children.
The torture is too much and unbearable. Mismatch in the bedroom must be declared to be a state of emergency!
The minute you realise that things are not working, look out for solutions. When some people try to solve the problem, they make it worse.
Do away with the blame game. You need to find a way to talk to your partner about this without blaming one another.
It is almost never so simple. It’s possible that there are lots of options, but it may also be that you want such fundamentally different things sexually that it isn’t going to work. This doesn’t make either of you a bad person. It can be easy to go into these conversations feeling defensive or offensive, as the topic can be painful.
If you are going to get into it productively, you need to establish some ground rules and work hard on sexual communication. Communication is key.
The way you talk about groceries must also apply to your sex life. Feel free to discuss anything.
Unpack and explain things you miss.
Getting out of old sexual patterns can be tough, and if you have developed a story about the two of you being incompatible it will take time to write a new story.
It may not seem like the fairytale relationship, but there are coping strategies that couples can use to deal with sexual imbalances to help them not to end relationships.
Do it for him. As long as you aren’t doing something against your will or that feels bad for yourself, being sexual together even when you feel ambivalent can be one way of moving towards a different sexual relationship.
Also learn to compromise. Making compromises is part of any relationship and compromising on sex shouldn’t be off the table simply because its sex. You always need to feel fine about the compromises you are making. There are no quick fixes to this issue of mismatch in between the sheets.
Feeling mismatched between the sheets can be totally disorienting. While navigating your sexual separations may initially feel daunting, feeling sexual incompatibly with someone doesn’t mean “Game Over.” It can build up over time.
Experts say everyone’s sexual preferences, desires and communication styles are so unique. This is why you might be “great at sex” with one person, but find that the same approach doesn’t work with another.
Better sexual compatibility comes with consistent communication, ease of communication and an investment in each other’s pleasure, which can come with time and practice.
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