The Sunday News
Clifford Kalibo
Whoever once said that you can only learn subjects like Physics combined with Pure and Applied Mathematics in a classroom can now be proven to be wrong. Amajida have devised certain Physics which they use so perfectly Ekasi.
I am thinking it would be a good idea to put all this township physics into a single textbook.
I will be liaising with certain amajida to try and produce our book on which we will entitle “Ekasi Physics”. You find that the guys who have devised this Physics are hard core “ imikhando”.
Take for instance one day I am having wise waters ko Sibamba in Sizinda (Bulawayo). Seated next to me is another guy having a Scud. The guy has been seated there for almost an hour. A friend of his arrives and joins him and he is passed the Scud and he takes a long swig, clearly showing he is thirsty.
The new arrival then says to his friend “Is this your first Scud?” ‘Yes’. he replies. “So usule one-hour phose ufikile lapha wena” (You have been here for close to an hour). To which the other guy responds in the affirmative. I am intrigued as to how the new arrival has guessed that. Curiosity gets the better of me and I talk to the guys about their conversation.
I asked the guy how he could have known his pal had been there close to an hour.
Both guys laugh softly and one of them replies, “ Just from the temperature, the taste of the Scud and the amount of the contents we can estimate how long ago the Scud was bought.”
This is truly amazing science to me. But still I am not satisfied with their science. So, I query how one would calculate time if he found his friend having his third Scud.
“It’s quite simple mdala, ‘one of the guys replied.
You see mdala, for a first Scud we know that one has to obey his thirst by drinking fast, so on average it takes about 20 minutes to finish the Scud, then we add three minutes “ezokutshaya iduzu” (smoking).
So roughly 25 minutes have elapsed. The second Scud takes a longer to finish, about 45 minutes or so”
“Why is that so?”, I queried.
Before answering me the guy with bloodshot eyes takes a puff at his Madison cigar and inhales the smoke through his flat and flared nostrils , and says, “After your first scud you need to relax your nerves, and allow your heart beat to be on the level, so you have to drink at an easy pace”
This is science at its best because the guys are able to measure time without consulting a watch and are able to regulate the body chemistry by taking the correct amount of beer sips.
In certain instances you’d hear someone at a bottle store talking over the phone “ Ngisanda kufika “ He lifts his beer bottle and looks at the contents and continues his phone conversation “Ngifike about five sips ago” Or “ I came here two quarts ago”.
It might seem to be outlandish science but the guys have perfected it so much such that they communicate so well with each other.
I have observed that township science works better when the guys are still sober and level headed and it gets distorted as the scale of alcohol increases in one’s head. Never underestimate the power of township science.
Among these hard core “imikhando” you find the speciallist medics who have the skills of curing a hangover or “ibhabhalazi”.
I bet you , you can go to any qualified doctor and you will not be treated for “ibhabhisto”, but the guys at Ekasi will do so.
These bhabhalazi specialists are always up early in the morning and you find them hanging around beer spots such as bottle stores or shebeens as they wait in prey for “ hangover patients”.
The unsuspecting “patient “ is usually the guy with a fat wallet. On seeing the guy approach the medics will casually approach him and ask “Uhambe njani izolo ?”
More often than not the guy will complain of a terrible headache or a nauseous feeling and lack of appetite or complain of palpitations. The specialists have all the remedies.
And trust me the remedies work wonders but obviously at a price for the unsuspecting patient who will end up buying beer for the whole day.
Treatment ranges from buying a packet of cigarettes and you are advised to take a “ few pulls” only per cigarette and the nearly full cigarette is finished off by the medics.
The patient is advised to buy a Scud or Calabash and to sip daintily. The medics drink along with the patient who is advised to buy another Scud. The smoking goes on.
The treatment therapy will go on and on and at a certain point the patient will no longer be feeling the headache. At this stage the medics will prescribe a prescription for “treating” his lack of appetite. The patient is told to buy beef, pork, offals, etc for braaing.
The medics will do the braaing, whilst the drinking and smoking continues. When the meat is ready the township doctors will cut up the meat nicely and sprinkle lots of salt and “ibilebile elibabayo blind” which is said to be a good antitode for “ibhabhalazi.”
After eating the meat with soft sadza and salads the patient now has to switch over from Scud to Castle Lager. “Sokumele utshaye i washdown khathesi, ibhabhisto lihle liphele lonke”.
The patient buys a round of Castles or Black Labels for himself and the medics. After a couple of beers, the patient is now fit and drunk.
The medics probably have disappeared by now.
But at the end of the day the patient is cured, drunk and happy. The medics have done their job and are drunk and happy. Everyone is happy.
What I have noticed is that these township bhabhalazi specialists will never ever prescribe that you drink water to cure your hangover.
Neither will they recommend that you stay at home and take a bed rest. Why is that so? I guess your guess is as good as mine.
Enjoy reading this article as you brace for a yet more thrilling episode next Sunday. Feedback: Clifford Kalibo/ 0783856228 /0719856228/ email: [email protected]
