The Sunday News
Nhlalwenhle Ncube
SOMETIMES you leave and sometimes you are left. Either way, you will be okay. Such is the cycle of this life and all relationships. Some come for a lifetime and some come to teach you things you need to learn. When it is your time or their time to go, it serves the best to let go with grace and trust that the universe has something bigger, better and more beautiful than you could ever imagine.
It is always ideal to let go of what no longer belongs to you. I know it is not as easy as it sounds, but remember that when you have to beg for love, it is not really love, but lack of dignity and respect for yourself. Worse, today I am not just talking about begging your partner to stay, but when you have to go an extra mile and ask whoever is in love the person, to let go so they could love you again.
It is heart-wrenching to hear or discover that the person you love and had planned to be with forever decided to cheat on you and even when you confront him about the issue, he turns out not to be apologetic at all. You try and do some things in a bid to push him to the edge, exposing his infidelity escapades, but it all makes him worse and crazier about the newly- found lover. It then becomes clear that he is no longer interested in you at all and you come to believe that the only person who can help you is your “rival” — his mistress.
At that point in time, you forget that this person is your competitor and start to beg her. You make her the boss of your home as you phone her more than you have ever done to your man, just begging her to step down. Truth be told, there will be no positive results because by so doing you are empowering her and she gets to realise that the man is automatically hers and not yours.
Never make the mistake of turning your partner’s lover into your boss! The minute you realise that your partner no longer loves you, accept it and never try to justify his change of behaviour. You have to protect yourself from “false love.” If you fail to do so, you will become a victim of manipulation or mistreatment. You might think that suffering is inevitable in these situations, but that’s not true!
If he has shown signs that he doesn’t care, or respect you, seriously do you think that the other woman can be your saviour?
However, continuing to have a mistress is probably a clear signal that he does not want to “work things out”. After betraying your trust, he must be the one begging for your forgiveness, not you. Same applies to the mistress, she is not your friend and by texting, phoning her and begging her to give you a chance with your man so that he comes back to his senses is just off- side.
You need to stand up for yourself and issue an ultimatum. If someone is staying with you, seeing how hurt you are and never shows remorse, then you are better off alone. Because if he cared he wouldn’t ignore your pain. You would rather be single and have peace of mind because what you allow shall continue; the mistress will be your Boss.
In trying to make things work with him despite his betrayal, you are sending him the message that he is welcome to treat you like shit for the rest of your relationship. So he won’t regret what he has done. You do not have to be too good or too loving to win your man. It does not turn them on, men like a challenge, to pursue things that seem impossible.
Your husband may not understand this concept of “conscious choice”. If you want to work things out, have a chat — a serious chat. If he doesn’t get the concept, he is an unconscious being — just an animal, then let him go. Be brave.
It’s time to stop begging your husband’s girlfriend to back-off. Relationships are like glass, sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put them back together. If you keep chasing him and begging the other woman to let go, you will destroy your self-esteem and self-respect.
FEEDBACK
I am happy with your articles. I have experienced the issue of taking a break. She asked for a break and whenever I tried to check on her, she kept giving excuses and that she still needed time. The end result of the break, like you pointed out was the end of the relationship! I do not believe in giving each other a break but to say out things as they are. If the other party feels that the relationship is no longer working, let it be known by both parties and if it means to end it, let it be so. I have discovered that having a break is a soft way of telling the other party that you no longer love her. We just have to be confident, be frank with each other than to hide behind a suggestion for a break.
In a relationship, its either you are together or not. There is no such thing as taking a break, people should not play with other people’s emotions.
I liked your article and I think this thing of taking a break is Western tendencies. Traditionally, women used to be taken back to their parents if they were not behaving well. Unfortunately, nowadays, couples just do that without consulting elders and that is the reason their breaks mark the end of marriages. At least if you are on a break, you should be undergoing training or counselling sessions.
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