The Sunday News
Hearts on fire with Busie Mtshede
HEARTBREAKS happen every minute and every day. They are difficult to deal with regardless of level.
With regards to relationships, they are like pieces of glass, which are better left broken than trying to put them back together as they may cut you deeper.
It is even heart wrenching when the goodbyes are never actually said when it suddenly becomes clear that it is over.
I do not know what is more heartbreaking, being left without a word or being left yearning for closure.
This week our column is on one person who is experiencing this right now.
My heart is shattered . . . I sit across from my best friend and shake my head, unable to screech out a sound over the lump in my throat, as I write this to you and she is giving me the courage to write and let it all out. I have never been a woman who needs a man and I am blessed to be very good friends with such a friend as our friendship fulfills many aspects of my life. I have dated casually and admittedly, I have always been the one to leave a relationship and it has been so much fun I must admit, but this time tables turned and I do not even know where to start or what to do.
Our relationship started in the most unexciting way, nothing special, nothing worth telling but it was always my favourite. We were doing so great that it made me think that we could go on forever.
It is hard to write about him in the past tense because I do not want what we had to be just in the past, I do not want it to be just memories. I do not want to be just a part of his past, I want to be in his present, and I want us to be part of each other’s future but sadly we want different things and that is why he left me.
I never ever dreamed I would feel such pain with the way I loved and adored him and with all the good times we spent together, I truly believed we had a good thing going but clearly I was wrong.
A few months ago we were so in love and right now I am picking up the pieces of broken glass and it hurts so much because I keep getting cut. The worst part about my story is that there were no dramatic events that led to our breakup he just left me.
I wish there was, because it would have made it so much easier to focus on something bad when we broke up and moving on would be on the cards for me right now. Unfortunately for me before he left, but we were so happy (at least I thought), and had just moved in together a few months earlier.
We shared our lives, went to sleep with each other every night and woke up with each other every morning until the day he left and never came back and when I tried to look for him I suffered blow upon realisation that he had blocked me on social media and I could not even call him or reach out.
I got home from a girls date and I was too lazy to do anything and I threw myself on the couch and woke up past midnight, I went into the bedroom to check on my man and I found an empty bed. I could not understand what was going on as there was not a single missed call or WhatsApp message in my phone.
I got so worried and I tried to look for him and realised he had blocked me, I genuinely thought something had happened to him but alas, he had blocked me.
I reached for the wardrobe to get a change of clothes into nighties and I realised his side had been cleaned out and there was nothing of his and at that very moment I felt that burning sensation on the back of my neck as though something was happening to me. I was not sure what to do next, so I sat on my bed in a cloud for the rest of the early morning hours waiting for my best friend to show up at my doorstep so we could put together this puzzle.
I spent the next few days playing along, assuming that since I had not shed a single tear, everything was just fine and he was going to come back to me, my pride would not let me ask any of his friends or family. I thought and I still think it will work out just fine but sadly it is not happening.
A few days later, I walked into my house after an evening of hanging with friends, and all of sudden it hit me, he was gone and I was alone. I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. I saw no hope, just days and days of pain ahead of me. Unfortunately, that has come to be true.
Over the past months I have noticed that my once scarce tears which were on a shortage and scarce tip have lately been flowing voluntarily as they seem to have a mind of their own and are easily available without much effort. I have not cried so much in my life, I feel as though I have acquired a pool I can safely swim in from my tears.
I was a “relationship jumper.” I have moved from one relationship to the next with little to no break in between, and had done so for years and I only have four serious relationships in my name. To be honest this man was my first love and essentially my everything.
I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him. I was putty in his hands because I was so vulnerably in love with him and loving him made me crazy, not in a bad way though; in a beautiful, earth-shattering way. It made me experience feelings that I did not even know were possible.
I never knew I could feel so deeply for another person until he came into my life and left me with such a nasty heartache that just brings my world to a standstill each time I think about our failed relationship. I wish he had said something you know, just anything so I can know where I went wrong and so I can move on knowing why we never worked out.
Honestly speaking he broke my heart into pieces and it hurts really badly. Pain is all I know these days and sometimes I cry even without knowing it. He crushed my heart badly and left me with scars that will never fully go away.
I did not think I would be able to make it through the morning that day and it was the worst pain I had ever felt. It was as if he had driven me out into a lion’s den and left the lions to feed on me, I was absolutely terrified. Everything that I knew about my future and myself was shattered that day, I barely know who I am anymore and I do not even know what I want in my life or where I am going.
Till this day I cannot even properly function, reducing myself to a hysterical mess on my couch for days.
I have tried fighting, fighting for him, fighting for us. I am not giving up on us and I am not yet tired because when it comes to him, I never get tired. I have not given up on us. I have just accepted the truth that what he wanted was to get away from me, to be free from me. It hurts like hell but I have to accept it thinking that it will make him happy.
After all, my goal was to always make him happy even if that meant me not being part of it.
I have always been selfish and I always think of myself, but with him, I was selfless and gave without expecting anything in return, his happiness had been my priority. He broke my heart, but did not break my love.
Living like this hurts so bad I wish and I pray that one day he will come and take all this pain away, it hurts so bad and my love for him is the only thing that allows me to genuinely hope that one day this pain will be a thing of the past.
I know it is easier said than done but we can make something out of our heartbreaks and share our stories. Email [email protected] and share your story. Till next week.
