The Sunday News
FIRST time dates can be really fun and sometimes they are awkward, usually if they involve some kind of drink or meal that you would rather not share with a stranger, as there is always that hesitant question ringing in both your minds, are we going to have sex later? Following a discussion we had during the past week the first-date sex became a topic of controversy, with many people still believing in the shameful stigma attached to it.
Despite our generally enlightened attitudes in this new-age hook-up culture, we are still viewing sex on the first date as a make-or-break moment, leaving most people to struggle over what the right move is. One e-mail I received in response to first time sex dates read, “As people we are so caught up in society’s expectations of us that we disregard our own personal desires. We are too busy trying to read what the other person is thinking that we do not listen to what we actually want. Sometimes in life one has to get what they want without fear of being judged by the next person, so for me if I want I will get it. I do not want to waste my time thinking about what the next person will say, so yeah first time sex date is a yes for me.”
I think sex should not be viewed as an exchange of goods, whereby women give it as a “down payment” on a relationship and men receive it as a “thank you” for taking her out for dinner. Having sex on the first date has its own positives and negatives but whatever the case it should not negatively impact on your chances of a long-term relationship. For some people there is nothing wrong with having sex on the first date. At the end of the day your decision to have sex is your own. Regardless, guys who are interested in you and want to see you will still follow up and pursue you even after they have seen you naked. Remember that some men are pretty basic when it comes to dating and sex. If they like you they like you while some are grounded on their own beliefs.
Another e-mail I received read “If there is chemistry, there is chemistry, and from the man’s perspective, it does not really matter if we hook up on date one or date seven. You do not need to turn sex on the first date into this momentous decision. If you both are into each other, then there’s no good reason not to enjoy each other more. For me sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship. When we decide on having sex on the first date, we get to establish that special connection early on and if it is enjoyable, it will definitely increase our attraction to one another.”
Some of the men that I spoke to said that they were okay with holding out for a few dates and this really surprised me. Some of their answers were candid, honest and they proved that though times are changing there is definitely still something to be said about passion, patience and keeping it in your pants.
A certain man wrote: “The first time I went out with this girl I was really into, I had high hopes that she would invite me over to her place after dinner was over. When she did not, I was pleasantly surprised, despite what I had originally planned. I realised that I wanted to wait for it too and the harder she was willing to make me work for it, the more attracted to her I was, this was not too long ago. It is refreshing to meet someone who does not want to give it up all at once. I do not think it means you are easy if you want to have sex on the first date or even after the first night, but I am way more attracted to a woman who knows how rare it is to have something to look forward to. Everything we do is geared towards instant satisfaction and I do not mean that after having sex I think of girls in a way like ‘what else do you have to offer?’, because I definitely do not but it is really nice to have time to get to know someone and put some room in between deciding to ask them on a second date and a happily ever after.”
There are some guys who will never date a girl that sleeps with them on the first date out of principle, but the surprising reality is that it is only a small percentage of men who are that rigid. The majority of men suggested that, what really counts and what they will reflect on is the way in which the sex happened. That’s the real issue.
Another e-mail read “If the sex happened after hours of amazing conversation and genuine connection that will most likely have good potential for a relationship. At least, it would at the very least not hurt you and might even help chances for a relationship. It would be looked at from the perspective of “passion” and “love at first sight”. So on the one hand, if you went in there and had sex with virtually no connection established other than some playful, verbal foreplay, that will work against you in terms of being evaluated as a relationship partner. On the other hand, if you established a deep, meaningful connection first before the sex, then there is a possibility.”
So there you have it. If you want to give it up on the first date then you have to be ready for whatever comes after and if you are on a hunger strike I am sure the first date will be a leeway for you to get it on and get rid of the cobwebs.
Let’s keep talking e-mail [email protected].
