The Sunday News
Busie Mtshede
LOSING a parent can be heartbreaking because we all need them in life, they are our pillar of strengths and no matter how old we get we still remain their babies. The conditions of heartbreak make it almost impossible to communicate one’s feelings and we always expect people to understand our pain though this is next to impossible. It can never be easy to lose someone close to your heart when you are least prepared, though I doubt if one can ever be prepared for losing a loved one.
This week our column is about a lady who is still battling with the heartbreak of losing her mother.
It was on a chilly winter night when my mum called out to us to join her in the lounge to say our daily evening prayer, she took her high blood pressure medication and after finishing bowed her head and led us in prayer.
I was so heartbroken and I questioned God for a very long time because I could not understand how just after praying my mum had died. I was in a hurry to finish prayer and go back to my room and continue chatting on my phone. I did not notice anything different about her and as far as I knew she was very well.
I left her in the lounge and my sister did the same. I felt the need to drink water and when I went to the kitchen to drink some water I noticed she was sitting and never said a word, I continued to the kitchen and on my way to my room I peeped in the lounge and asked her why she was still sitting and not in bed but she never responded.My heart skipped a beat and I knew that very moment that something was seriously wrong.
I ran to my sister’s room calling out for help as my father had not returned home from work and such was the order of the day.
My sister came running trying to find out what was wrong with our mother and the fact that she had died was far from our minds.
We went to seek help from the neighbours and a nurse who stayed three houses away from our house after examining my mother for a while pronounced her dead.
I could not understand what she meant by saying that she had died, I was angry with her and I rolled my eyes wondering how she could know my mother was dead by merely examining her on the surface.
The ambulance took forever to come and for a long time I have blamed them for negligence maybe because I was trying to cope with my mother’s sudden death. My heart bled and I felt something leap out of my life; I was completely shattered and I felt empty, my life came to a standstill and I could not understand what had happened or what was happening.
I did not shed a tear, I could not accept that my mum was gone.
The next hours between waiting for the police to come and calling my dad to no avail I was a zombie and all I could hear were voices.
I died with my mum. She was my world and everything, burying her was the most excruciating thing I have encountered all my life.
Her funeral went by without me understanding a thing or anything that was happening. How could she leave me? Going back to school to finish my second year at university was such a mission but I was glad to go back to school. My dad did not waste time, a month later after my mother’s passing he brought home his lover and continued with life as if nothing happened.
I cried a lot every night and I missed mum, I still do. My sister was forced to drop out of school and pursue nursing just to pay for a few things she could manage with the little allowance she was getting as she was still at school.
My fees were never fully paid and every semester towards exam time I had to go back home and remind them that I needed my fees fully paid to write my exams. I dreaded going home for vacation and I could not stand my father who had changed to a man I hardly knew.
I was always accused of trying to sabotage his only chance of happiness. I had to stay at home because I had no other place I called home. The first few months were the most difficult. One day I came home and found my stepmother burning my mother’s belongings without anyone’s consent and when I told my father about it he seemed not to care and instead accused me of always causing problems.
Things got bad at home to the extent that I would go to bed without eating simply because I refused to be abused. I had to concentrate on my last semester before attachment just to make sure that I got good grades.
My heart broke each time I thought of how life had turned out for me, I was angry because my mother had left me without a word and she had left me to suffer. I hardly slept as I could not shut my eyes. My heart was heavy and bitterness took control of me. I felt as though the world owed me.
I hated happy people and always wanted to cause a rift between them. I had a mouthful to say about people and I was a real trouble causer.
I met a friend who introduced me to a certain woman who tried to counsel me, she played her role but I still need time to deal with my broken heart. I am in so much pain and I could give anything just to have my mother back.
I want to run and hide from all the pain I feel deep inside. I scream and cry but still it does not take away the pain and I am still not ready to say goodbye because I want her back.
Getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Remember that, and know that it will get easier.
Keep going. You will get there someday and in the meantime continue to share your heartbreaking stories with us.
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