The Sunday News
WHEN your best friend dies, at any age, the experience is very traumatic, something you will never forget or perhaps never get over. It lingers in your soul in ways that only can be experienced by those who share your pain and have had a similar traumatic experience. Sometimes grief counselling helps ease the pain, because as people we hardly know what to say unless we have experienced the pain. I personally avoid sending out condolences because I hardly know what to say and the last thing I want is to sound insensitive.
Sometimes grieving takes people though stages that send one on a roller coaster of emotions because at some point you may be angry at them for ‘‘leaving’’ you, as we are a bit self-centred when it comes to pain and emotions, but you must understand that each soul chooses their time to cross over, to remove their consciousness from their physical body and those that are left behind carry the burden of having to go through each day. Writing this was heartbreaking because I cannot begin to imagine going through a similar experience.
Too many a time when a relationship or marriage ends the heartbreak can make one put on some Adele music on repeat, break out the chocolate or ice cream (or both) and have a good cry. After you have accepted what has happened you call up your besties who immediately come to your aid. They come over with lots of junk food and pizza, and start a session where phrases like “he is such a jerk” and “you are better off” are said repeatedly. Ending a relationship may break your heart, but losing a friend can shatter your soul.
When you lose a friend, there are no songs, movies or books to guide you. You look around and realise the shoulder you usually go to cry on is no longer there. Your entire world feels like it is crashing down around you.
When I think of my best friends, they are the ones I go to when life gets tough; break-ups, financial troubles, school problems and job problems, illnesses, deaths, whatever. When life gets tough your bestie is often your go-to person so I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through.
This week our column is on someone struggling with losing a best friend.
I remember exactly what happened to me and how I felt when my best friend left me, never to be seen again. It was the first real heartbreak I had ever experienced and I remember every second of it like it was yesterday. I can still feel all of it, the anger, the hurt and the feeling of abandonment. I sat on the floor crying after receiving the devastating news that took all I had shared with my best friend away from me. I was so mad though I do not even know why. I convinced myself it was not happening to me so I dialled her number and when I was not getting through I stormed her house convincing myself it was a mistake.
I lost my mind and I could not accept it, neither could I believe it. I badly wanted to see her, hear her voice and get some advice but days turned to weeks which turned into months, and after so much time of radio silence I knew I was never going to see her. This lasted for a couple of months and then it slowly stopped but I never accepted it.
Everyone else moved on, but did not. I was still stuck and I saw no way out. In fact, it seemed as if my grief only amplified with time. Every single day became a struggle. I went to sleep thinking of her, dreamed about her, and then woke up only to be reminded that the accident had not been a dream. It had really happened, and she was gone.
Although we can never be together again in flesh, I will always remember the good times we had together, and all the lessons she taught me. I hated the words of advice that some people offered because they all gave me the same advice you might give anyone grieving, that is; do not avoid the pain, remember you are not alone, remember all your great memories . . . blah blah blah. I mean, it is not that those things are not true, they are. It is just that, let us be honest, in the midst of your despair and confusion related to a very specific grief experience, hearing the same old broad, vague advice again and again is just frustrating because that will not bring her back and all I wanted and still want is to have my friend back.
My friend was family, and I loved her deeply, maybe even more than my blood family. The thing about friends is that they are in our lives because we chose them and found something special in them but family is family through blood ties.
People in general think that friends are least important and they do not understand that as we grow up friendship bonds get more stronger than family bonds because our deep secrets are buried in our friends’ chests. We share our most vulnerable moments with our friends; they know all there is to know because with friends we do not fear judgment yet with family you can never be sure of what happens with what you share with them.
People often value family relationships over friendships but I value friendships more and the void she left in my heart can never be filled by anyone, I am even afraid of having any more friends because they too may leave me. So when that person is gone you feel especially alone. You feel desperate, lonely, and devastated and your instinct is to call the one person who is no longer there to support you.
I have hurt more than I ever thought I would survive. I have cried so hard I also wanted to just die and I have learnt to live with the deepest regret and sorrow I have ever imagined. I feel older, and I look older there are faint lines on my face that were not there before and she often told me sleeping will result in these lines.
Sometimes I wonder if she would recognise me if she saw me today and I ask myself so many questions that I have no answers to. My best friend is gone, and there will never be enough scar tissue to fill that hole and I have learned that I can live with the hole because I cannot replace her and I do not want to replace her.
Losing someone you love makes you think harder about every moment and wish to hold on to it. It makes you feel the weight of things, even something silly like a song or a fashion trend, when you know that each one of them makes the world slightly but irreversibly different from the world she knew. It makes you treasure the moments that will never come again, and hope for the ones that will.
It is hard to live with the certain knowledge that you are always transforming into someone unfamiliar to both yourself and the people you used to know and love, but the only other alternative is to dig your heels in and refuse to change, ever, and that becomes untenable very quickly. All I can do is try to welcome the future while honouring the past and hope that one day we will get to see each other.
I know it is easier said than done but we can make a something out of our heartbreaks and share our stories.
Email [email protected] and share your story, till next week.
