The Sunday News
I WROTE on this column last week about relationships in marriage prompted by the comment of some that have referred to certain experiences as being “dodgy.” These could both be men and women. Reading a book by one of our learned friends entitled “Loving the African man” (which I recommend to all men and women that need an understanding of heterosexual relationships from an Afrocentric perspective reloaded!!)
I was then convinced that there is surely a lot that we have to learn and unlearn in the manner we relate to each other on this planet. It surely can be made a better place for each one of us if the first premise of relationships could be to understand the principles of friendship.
Some of the anger, bitterness and resentment that people are living with need not be part of the deal. It affects our leadership and management styles at work, school, church and even play! It need not be so. Life is too short to be messed up in a murky, moody and unpleasant atmosphere of poor relationships no matter what the justification can be. No, we can make it better!
I would like to begin from my favourite book the Bible (so true and consistent) where it says in Proverbs 18: 24 “. . . a man that has friends must show himself friendly: and there is friend who sticks closer than a brother.” It is clear in this portion that friendship is not a one sided affair. Jesus takes it further in his pre-crucifixion discourse to his disciples. Outstanding to say the least! He says, “ . . . greater love has no man than this that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13) I could go on, suffice it to say that friendship according to Jesus does include sacrifice of self for the other. Friendship is not selfish. As believers there is a lot we learn from the holy book on relationships yet we tend to take it too spiritual I think. We fail to make it simple and practical. If we are to pray about it many would fast and pray. But after breaking the fast with Holy Communion and powerful anointing the same will get to the real world of life and vow, “ . . . angisadlali lawe!” or “…tshiyana labo izinja lezi!” (. . . I will not talk/play with you again or leave these dogs alone). We say these words like jokes yet we forget the creative force of the tongue and the fact that the mouth speaks from the treasure of the heart. Better stated it would read, “ . . . from the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks!” (Read Matthew 12: 34-35 and Luke 6:45).
Ever heard of the adage, so common and yet so negative, “ . . . the world is an unfriendly place!” People are colourful about it. They describe it as the place where when you come into it you are slapped so you can cry! Yet even those that bring you to into it cry in different voices and tones at all stages of your entry and exit! How confusing! It is in the same world that we are expected by the creator to live in harmony with each other and with the world itself!
Friends we need and friendship we should have and friendly we should be! Otherwise we perish!
This Sunday the Chinese celebrate the 2565th anniversary of Confucius’ birth and allow me since I write this from the colourful city of Nanjing to make reference to what this great thinker says of friendship. It was in this visit to China that I realised a certain trait of these “Yellow People” of the Yangtze River that they value relationships even shown in their business and leadership life.
Before and during the times of Confucius the concept of friendship had deep implications. Confucius’ thoughts on friendship were best clarified by the perspective of “Xin” best described in the terms of fidelity and faithfulness) while the Aristotelian thoughts leaned mainly on describing friendship based on “Le” which concentrates on the issues of joy, satisfaction and the like. There is an emphasis of Xin as the basis of friendship.
There are kinds of friends and corresponding to them are types of friendship. The first is the friendship for the sake of pleasure, in it there is no Xin. This is what many will define as the agreement between two consenting adults. It sounds very alright but it results in the deep cuts we see and deal with in our society today. I do not promote this as an only type of friendship because it has a bubble gum lifespan.
Its effectiveness lasts as long as the pleasure lasts. Now that is synthetic. Imagine if the world was made up of the mountaintops how bad it would be. We need them but we cannot live there, it is too risky for our health! Imagine if you were either always drunk or had a lifelong orgasm! You would die with a day-long one! Tjo! Ufelebunandini njengenyosi!
The second is the legal form of friendship for the sake of utility. In this friendship Xin is guaranteed by law. In this friends are together as partners. It is like they are contracted to be together. The vows are on the paper they signed. When it suits them they can have joy or simple exit to find joy elsewhere. This is not just true for marriage but also in a business relationship.
One can also find another type of friendship. This is the moral form of friendship for the sake of utility, Xin is guaranteed by morality. This is the same as in the friendship for the sake of virtue where Xin is an indispensable part. Forget not dear reader that Xin refers to fidelity, faithfulness, commitment and results in benevolence or joy as Confucius explains it.
Pure and noble friendship gives and is not selfish. If Confucius had met Jesus on this note they would have been friends. I am not qualified of the other aspects, let us leave it for another day. The truth of it is that we need to be friends if this world will be a better place. Those that come after us need us to make the world even better than what we found it to be. They deserve better and we can do it if we become great friends and teach them how to be friendly. Look at the other person as a possible friend. It may sound myopic with all these evil people around. True, but is it not because they lacked good friends in their formative years? Do we really want to repeat the cycle? Why not be the person to break it in your time? It is possible and it begins with you and me! Please do not unfriend me but friend me!
Shalom!
