Second-hand love

Nhlalwenhle Ncube

BEING someone’s second best is unpleasant and devastating. It’s everyone’s dream to be someone’s personal person who is loved and comes first.

Unfortunately in this life things do not always turn out as expected. You sometimes find yourself being the second-hand of that person you love the most. It’s so traumatising to be in such a scenario and it robs you of your happiness. 

Surprisingly, the pain does not only affect the one who is the second-hand, but even the one who compromised and chose a second best partner. The pain of the chooser stems from voluntarily relinquishing a better alternative and the pain of the one chosen as second arises from the humiliation of being considered as inferior to another.

Being a second choice means keeping your schedule free just in case. Since you are the backup plan, you never know when they will contact you at the last second. Chances are, that person will only pay attention to you when they are bored and lonely. They will only make plans to see you after they realise no one “better” is available to come over.

Being a second choice means that you are always disappointed. When you are excited to spend the day with that person, he will either cancel at the last second or spend the entire time with you on the phone. 

It’s heartbreaking when the person makes it obvious that seeing you doesn’t mean as much to him as it means to you.

You are forced to swallow stupid excuses again and again. He gets too busy to text you back and totally forgets when you were supposed to meet. You accept their “sorries”, even when you can tell they aren’t authentic.

When you are that second-hand love, no matter what you do, it is never enough. You can answer a text two seconds later and will still have to wait half-a-day to hear back again. You can pick up food for them or buy them a nice birthday gift, and they still won’t realise how much you care. You can do everything right and will still feel like you messed up somehow. You will always be the one putting in extra effort. You go out of your way  to impress her even though she couldn’t care less what you think. You go above and beyond to stand out from everybody else.

Being the second-hand love means that your jealousy runs wild. There is another person that your supposed love uploads snaps with and spends time with one-on-one. You don’t want to hate this person, but you can’t help yourself, because you feel like you have to compete with her. 

Even when you are together, they pay more attention to her more than they ever pay to you. Sadly you always have to make the first move. 

You text first, you always make calls and ask if he is free to hang out. And if you have to, you rearrange your schedule to meet him. You do whatever you can to kick-start your relationship while he put in zero work.

Second-hand love makes you feel like the relationship — if you can even call it that — is completely one-sided. You are the only one who cares, who would be heartbroken if you parted ways and only one who invested. It just makes your life miserable, always debating to either stay or move on and whether you are doing the right thing or are just wasting your time.

We live in a winner-take-all society. Romantic relationships are of such a nature. As it is expressed by these lyrics, “The winner takes it all, the loser has to fall, it’s simple, and it’s plain.”

In romantic love, being treated as second best is typically perceived not as being very close to the desired ideal, but as being the loser — the one who is a replacement or substitute for someone else in an actual or imaginary precious relationship. Accordingly, the second-best in love is perceived as a second-best or substitute love:  love that is not at the centre of the beloved’s heart.

To sum up, being second best is frustrating, as one feels inferior to a position that appeared to be so close. 

Being perceived as second best in romantic relationships is even more painful, as someone so close to you considers you to be inferior to another possible or imaginary partner, and because “the winner takes it all.”

The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following statement that a lover might express: “Darling, you are good, but not good enough. There is indeed someone whom I love more, but please look on the bright side: There are so many whom I love less.”

Never settle for less as it tortures your heart and soul. You can settle for low and wear a second-hand dress, but not second-hand love!

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